Holiday Madness!
Happy Damn Holidays and Merry Friggen Ho-Ho’s is all I got to say about this holiday season so far, it’s already getting boring since it’s been shoved down our throats since the beginning of October!
Now the blow-up-yard-crap-junkies have replaced all of the hokey Halloween and Thanksgiving yard crap with Christmas yard crap! You know, the fifty dollar air filled blowups that yard crap junkies keep putting up every year for the holidays! In a week they’ll all be slumped over like drunken Geezers!
At least I haven’t had another attempt on my life by one of those Frosty The Snow Man blowup yard monsters; it’s been a couple of years since that hideous adventure. If you remember, some yard crap junkie didn’t tie down his Frosty The Snowman blow up doll and a fall breeze freed the yard crap monster to seek me out and try to kill me!
Yeah I was driving down the road on a nice breezy fall day when I noticed something in the road ahead and it was moving toward me at a disturbing velocity! “What the…?” I said as I tried to veer off to the left to get out of its way but it maneuvered back into my path so I swerved to the right and it still honed in on me like a guided missile!
Out of places to go I had to slam on the brakes and then Frosty hit and blurted out a sound that I can be best described as a giant whoopee cushion and laid itself on my hood with his big black evil eyes staring right at me! It was a very frightening experience!
I left Frosty all shriveled up like a giant white prune in the ditch, and yes there may be some truth to the rumor that I stoned him several times with some road side boulders! Hey I had to make sure he didn’t try to follow me! I still have nightmares of that day!
During the next couple of weeks you will most likely be exposed to other hideous holiday madness. Most of these are very time consuming and it’s your job to find a way to get yourself out of them!
Holiday Mushy Heads think it’s a holiday tradition to suck all of the time from your busy schedule; so you’ll need to prepare to avoid them completely!
They seem to sneak up on you during the holidays and pull some repulsive act of kindness on you leaving you defenseless, and vulnerable to whatever they may have in store for you.
They know that you will not be able to refuse to listen to them for at least 10 minutes! After the first ten minutes they quickly shoot for another ten, and then another, and then another until they’ve used up all your time!
You, not wanting to be rude, are waiting for them to get to the point… and they know you are!
You can’t be mean or rude to one or they’ll start bawling which just adds more time they’ll need to get to the point! Sheesh!
If you take any stock in the Mayan calendar crap then this will be your last holiday season before the earth blows up so avoid blowup yard crap, Holiday Mushy Heads and all other holiday madness at all costs!
~ Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com
Your A Geezer When…
Lately my articles have seemed more like crazed ramblings of a potential Geezer than the normal crazed ramblings of a man with a deep cavernous mind that you have been accustomed to and I apologize for that.
I sometimes feel that I may be getting too old too fast. I mean it’s like life keeps creeping up on me and changing things faster than I can say; “Rumpis-echo-buba-doobalag-agasaurus-crum”!
It’s probably a new virus like ‘Pre-Geezeritus’, where we young folk are being infected with the symptoms of ‘Geezeritus’ prematurely!
So what are the symptoms of Pre- Geezeritus?
1) People are pissing me off faster.
2) Drivers are pissing me off faster.
3) Stores are pissing me off faster.
4) Kids are pissing me off faster.
5) Holidays are pissing me off faster.
6) Politicians are pissing me off faster.
7) Doctors are pissing me off faster.
8) Pissing me off is pissing me off faster.
If one or all of these symptoms are true for you then you may be infected with Pre-Geezeritus.
As an experiment I wanted to know if I was indeed on the short bus to becoming a Geezer, so I decided to start digging into Geezers psyche to see what makes them tick!
Geezers keep running into things and breaking hips and legs, then get two more shoe boxes of mind altering pills to take per day.
Geezers have to wear Depends to keep all the poop in one convenient place for easy cleanup. Geezers don’t like it when you sneak up behind them scaring the bejesus out of them refilling the newly changed Depends!
I still have two Geezers left, me Pops and me Mumsie. Currently they both are in the same Geezer Patch where the Geezer Nurses are taking pretty good care of them. A Geezer Patch is a nursing home, it’s where Geezers grow!
Mumsie is there because she took a fall out in the yard trying to gig groundhogs and thank god she landed on her head or she would have broke something for sure! She says she slipped in the wet grass so we’re buying her some golf shoes with 2” spikes and making her wear Depends to keep the grass dry the next time!
She was really out of it for a couple days; it was like she fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down! They’d ask her questions to see if she was coherent and she thought a quarterback was a refund!
When I went to see her the first thing I did was point to her ear and said, “Mumsie, why do you have a suppository in your ear?” Mumsie took the suppository out, looked at it and said, “Snarp, I’m really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is!”
Whew she had us worried there for a while!
Pops don’t remember much but he does have a mechanical mind; he just forgets to wind it up now and then, and he does lead the ‘League of Geezers’ in nostril hair growth so he has that going for him!
He does want a cattle prod for the ‘Old Raddie Geezers’ that get stuck in the hallways after falling asleep during their daily walk!
“JIZIZT!… JIZIZT!… JIZIZT … WAKE UP!”
Hmmm… mind altering pills, Old Raddie cattle prodding, 2” spikes, hearing aid suppositories, Depends and nasal hair competitions…
Maybe becoming a Geezer won’t be so bad after all!
~ Snarp
