Jokes On Me!

I recently purchased some material for use in my internet endeavors and came across a data base of about ten thousand jokes so I thought I’d share a couple with you. 

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot, drinks it, then looks into his shirt pocket. He does this several times over and over again.

Finally the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep ordering a shot, and then after drinking it look into your shirt pocket?”

The man responded “I have a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts to look good, I’ll go home!”  Hee-Hee-Hee!

Cannibals capture three men.  The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given one final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.

His request is granted, and they poison him, and skin him for their canoes. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him, save his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over shouting, “To hell with your canoes!” 
Hee-Hee-Hee!  Hey that’s what I’d do!

While frequenting a local pub one day, a confused looking stranger walks in and sits a couple stools down from me. He orders three shots and quickly slugs them down.

Then just shakes his head in obvious disbelief, and quickly sits back up and orders three more shots.

He looked harmless enough so I decided to ask him if he was okay. 

That,,, was a mistake!

“Well, it all started when I got married” he proclaimed, “and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.”

“Then my dad came to visit us; fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, and then married her, so now my stepdaughter is my stepmother, and my dad is my son-in-law.”

“Wow that does sound a little confusing.” I said humorously.

 “Wait there’s more; soon my wife and I had a son who became my dad’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my dad’s wife.”

“So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad, she became my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.”

“Uh… dude, I think my mother’s calling me, I gotta …”

“But wait let me finish, as you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother.  Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter, so that now makes me my wife’s grandson.”

“You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife’s grandson and her husband, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you see why I’m so confused?”

Not taking my eyes off the dude, I replied: “Bartender, get this guy three more shots, and shoot me in the head… PLEASE!”

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com