My Cosmic Policy!
There must be something in the water or maybe the air because lately there seems to be a sudden increase of stupid negativity going around and it’s really starting to get annoying.
Maybe it’s a new strange bird flu virus like Bohemian Waxed Wing Vulture Flee Influenza or something stupid like that!
All I know is that lately I’ve found myself in a cluster of gloomy individuals who force me into conversations I really don’t want to be in, or don’t give a rat’s ass about, and even if I pretend to be busy and walk away they follow me, or just talk louder!
Then there’s the repeater, if it only takes 2 minutes to spew out insults or some other form of verbal abuse they just repeat it 5 times so it will take at least 10 minutes of my time!
The really fun ones are those that notice I’ve zoned out after 10 minutes of hearing them yak and get mad at me for losing interest in something that doesn’t pertain to me or even fall into the category of a real conversation!
You see a real conversation takes at least TWO people interacting and exchanging thoughts and ideas on the same subject and either agree or disagree with each other.
Me listening to you YAK is not spontaneous communication, it’s you YAKING and me getting really really REEEALLY bored!
Seriously people… really?
Take a Midol and chill the hell out!
I can see myself as the “Super Midol Man!”
Faster than a speeding insult;
More powerful than a verbal abuser;
Able to leap tall piles of bull crap in a single bound.
Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… Super Midol Man!
Sheesh!
From now on before I let anyone waste 10 minutes of my time I’m going to say “Wait a minute…” and then pull out my invisible clipboard and pretend to be flipping through invisible pages of lists, and then I’ll say;
“I’m sorry I don’t see that problem on my list of problems to care about today… let me check again though… let’s see… no… no… hmmm… nope not on my list, that’s not my problem, good luck with that one!”
“I do have some really important things to worry about that are on my list though, and the biggest one requires my full attention at all times ciphering cosmic flight!”
“Here’s how that works…”
“The earth orbits around the sun at 1,140 miles per minute, the solar system is moving around the center of the galaxy at 8,580 miles per minute, the galaxy in the Local Group Cluster is moving at 1,500 miles per minute and the motion of the Local Group in the Local Super Cluster is moving at 22,380 miles per minute.”
“Now that’s a grand total of me traveling through space at 336,000 miles per minute. In the 10 minutes of my time that was wasted listening to you YAK I traveled 3,696,000 miles so using the average rate of reimbursement of 35 cents per mile you now owe me $1,293,600… pay up or shut up!”
I’m just trying to survive don’t PMS on me!
~ Snarp
That’s Just Wrong!
Let’s start this article with a little prayer that I’ve twisted just a bit.
I pray for Wisdom to understand my coworkers; I pray for Love to forgive their idiotic behavior;
I pray for Patience for their ever asinine moods;
I do not pray for Strength though Lord… because I will beat them to death!
AMEN
There that’s better!
You can adapt this little prayer for your needs simply by changing “coworkers” for “family, friends, children, siblings, geezers, etc., or self”!
Say it just before bedtime to help relieve the day’s anxiety that they have given you, and every morning before you encounter them since you already know what to expect!
I’ve already tried killing them with kindness but the words ‘killing them’ keeps getting louder each time I think of that saying and killing people… well that’s just wrong… damn it!
And dealing with strangers, well just remember everyone seems ordinary until you get to know them for at least fifteen minutes, then they’ll probably be just as asinine as everyone else you deal with so don’t feel bad if you start to think about plummeting them in the face with a riding lawn mower!
Sometimes however people can fool you into thinking that they are n-n-n-normal and pull it off for years! Countless times I’ve heard people say that their spouse wasn’t ‘like that’ when they met and fell in love. Well yes… yes they were!
This reminds me of a story I came across a while back that I must share with you.
There was an elderly couple sitting across from each other during an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our nine children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye; she pauses for moment and then confessed. “Yes… Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife is admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who… Who was he? …Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: “You!” Hee-Hee-Hee!
So you see, everyone you will meet is probably just as asinine, idiotic, and unstable as those you work with, grew up with, live with, fell in love with and all the other people you’ve encountered so far!
Just say the prayer making the necessary changes and only in extreme circumstances change the last sentence to “Just give me the Strength! Forget the rest, just give me the Strength! I promise I won’t beat them to death; I just want to beat them! Give me the Strength! Give it to me!
That’s just wrong!
~ Snarp
