I Couldn’t Find It!
I hope your holidays were grand, spiffy, and really swell! Mine were surprisingly okay, got several presents and all were… FOOD items. Hot Diggity Dog!
Had a fairly good time with family and friends over the holidays, ate lots of good food, and drank some holiday spirits, but…
something was missing…
something important…
something I really needed…
Have you ever found yourself looking for something but didn’t remember what it was that you were looking for?
Well I seemed to have misplaced something and have been looking for it for two weeks! It’s been a daunting task to remember where I left it, or for that matter what it was that I was looking for in the first place!
I really hate it when that happens. All I knew was I needed to find it because I have a Voice article due and it had something to do with that.
It wasn’t my computer, I knew where that was. Not my coffee cup, smoking jacket, beer or my socks, all of those are here!
I have to find it! It’s important! I can’t do my article without it! Damn!
Into the Caverns I go, my Cavernous Mind that is. That’s like jogging down Memory Lane for the rest of humanity; you know the drill, that’s when we try everything we can think of to “jog” our memory.
We go into each room and just stand there, turning our heads from side to side scoping everything in sight, hoping something will catch our eye and trigger some brain cells to get us on the right track… didn’t work!
I looked under the beds… nope not there.
I looked in all the closets… nope not there either.
I looked in the underwear drawer, kitchen cupboards, and even sat on the crapper for a half an hour, since that’s where I get most of my inspiration… no such luck!
No matter what room I go into there just are no clues as to what I’m looking for! Damn the Caverns are empty, not even a hint!
Well maybe it’s not even here to begin with; hmmm perhaps I left it somewhere else… yeah that’s got to be it!
So off I go to visit friends and family, to the stores I frequent, pubs, anywhere I could have been in the last two weeks, hoping something, anything would cause a spark to light up the Caverns and give me hope that this hellish nightmare would end!
Then it happened… it was like a slap to the ole grey matter… I remembered WHAT it was I was looking for! Now I just have to find it, and find it fast, press time is closing in on me quickly!
Where… oh where could it be? Damn I’m in trouble!
Exhausted, brain tired, and totally frustrated I had to concede that I wasn’t going to find it in time to get this article written, the editors are going to be pissed!
So let that be a lesson to all of you… NEVER… EVER lose your sense of humor, it can be hell trying to find it again!
~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com
Move It Buddy!
I’ve had a really moving experience lately that has lasted a whole month! No really!
“Gosh-Golly-Gee Snarp what happened?”
“Did a homeless man offer to share with you his half eaten burger he just got out of the Burger King Dumpster?”
“Did the spirits of Christmas Past, Present, and Future visit you and now you’re gonna have to give a one legged boy a big turkey?”
“Gee-Whizz Snarp did you see God… and he said he really liked your articles?”
NO, NO and NO, none of that happened nor did the Tooth Fairy return to give me back some of the teeth that she STOLE from under my pillow!
Yeah… go ahead… try to give a dentist a quarter to fix a tooth! I figure those suckers had to be worth a quarter alright… a quarter of a thousand, we’ve been ripped off!
No my avid readers, my moving experience has been literally… moving. Someone bought my little ‘Snarp Bungalow’ so I had to move. What a pain in the ass, I hate moving! Moving really sucks!
It wouldn’t have been so bad except I had to find a place to move into within a week of vacating the place I was in!
When I did find a place it wasn’t fully vacated yet, so I had to move someone else’s stuff around so I could move my stuff into the place. Okay I can deal with that but…
Two of my friends were moving at the same time and wanted to give me some of their stuff, which I really needed and am grateful for, but they too were on a quickly expiring timeline and needed me to move their stuff ASAP!
Oh what fun! Every other day I had to get more of their stuff out for them but first I had to move my stuff and someone else’s stuff around so I could move their stuff in, only to have to move that stuff and my stuff and someone else’s stuff again to make room for more of their stuff!
Now in the mean time I still have to get the rest of my stuff out of the other place, but first I have to move the newly arrived friends stuff, my stuff and someone else’s stuff to make room for more of my stuff!
During all this moving stuff around I also have to find time to clean my new place and try to put some of my stuff in its place so I can make more room for more of their stuff and the rest of my stuff!
What started out to be a simple move of just my simple stuff has turned into a friggen multitasking nightmare!
Like I said, I really hate moving, moving really sucks, but I sure do love my friends!
During this moving experience I inherited a washer and dryer, a fridge, love seat, 4 dressers, 5 large mirrors, 2 end tables, 9 lamps, a kitchen table and 4 chairs, a bar and 3 bar stools, an entertainment center, a color TV, 2 stereo’s, a large recliner, carpet, several pots and pans, a full size bed with 2 sets of sheets and comforters, a barbecue grill, enough steaks, roasts, and hamburgers to fill 2 freezers, a vacuum cleaner, a toaster oven, and a micro wave!
Sheesh all that’s missing is a damn Partridge in a friggen Pear tree!
Happy Holidays!
~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com
Kinda Cheesy!
The following is a true story, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. (That would be me!)
I used the Peanuts cartoon characters to replace the names of the people in the story and used the names as the character fit their personality not necessarily gender. Enjoy!
I’m in the process of moving again but when I first moved here I lived in a one bedroom upstairs apartment and the neighbors were… shall I say… kinda cheesy.
The guy right below me, Lucy, was a Nam vet that was on the “crazy vet cheese checks”, as he put it, the girl next to him, Peppermint Pattie, was a recently paroled ex-con who was in prison for “selling drugs and stomping some chick”, as she liked to say with a gleam in her eyes, she was on the “mental cheese checks”!
Some new Spanish speaking lady with nine kids moved in next to Peppermint Pattie and she was on the “welfare cheese checks”! The guy who moved into the apartment across from me never left the apartment so he must be on some kind of “cheese check” too!
The guy across the way that lives in a trailer, Charlie Brown, was on the “mental cheese checks” too, and the lady in a cottage next to him, Marcie, was on the “disability cheese checks”!
Hey… that would be “cottage cheese checks” for her! Get it? Lives in a cottage… Cheese checks… Cottage Cheese…
Ooookay moving right along now, I’m starting to wonder what part of town I moved into! I felt left out! I would get this urge to go buy some cheese now and then, but that’s not the same is it?
They were all getting FREE cheese and I had to pay for mine, heck in a way I was paying for theirs too! Not one of them worked! Damn!
Aww I shouldn’t pick on them I guess, they were actually pretty nice people. Peppermint Pattie kept giving me candles, not sure what message she was trying to convey with those. Maybe she was afraid when she’s all jibbed up on her meds she’d burn the apartments down trying to light them so she gave them to me!
Lucy was… was… Lucy was weird! He liked to intimidate people but when he realized he didn’t scare me he warmed up to me… hmm that sounds gay, he befriended me yeah that sounds better, he befriended me but I wouldn’t turn my back on him for a second!
Marcie, I never saw Marcie with her clothes on! Err… umm I never saw her fully dressed… ooo that don’t sound right either! She always wore pajamas and a robe and slippers, even when she was gardening, so she says.
I would NOT want to see her naked… she’s like all out of proportion, I’m thinking things aren’t where they’re suppose to be any more!
Then there’s Charlie Brown… Charlie Brown was one of those really nice guys, who would literally take his shirt off and give it to you if you ask him for it. I saw him do it when Peppermint Pattie told him she liked his T shirt, he took it off and gave it to her!
She gave it right back of course and told him to “wash it first please”! Heh… and he did! He’s just that kind of person! Or maybe he was scared to death she’d set him on fire!
Well if you ever come to (CENSORED) don’t bring any cheese, there seems to be plenty of that here!
~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com
Frustration…I Love It!
“BEEP-BEEP-HONK-HONK! OH COME ON NOW! YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY DRIVE THAT CAR WITH BOTH HANDS FLIPPING ME OFF OUT THE WINDOW!”
Heh-heh… okay… that’s better, oh… uh… sorry I was… umm… just giving some driving instructions to the… uh… nice grey haired lady in front of me, who seems to be having a problem holding on to that steering wheel!
No really… I have been striving to curb my verbal road rage a little, since my buddy Brutus took notice and told me that “Anger is not the answer!”
When Brutus, the once king of verbal road rage, tells me something I listen, because when we first met he said he wanted to crush my skull and eat my brain, and not necessarily in that order!
Either way, I figured, it was gonna hurt!
So when he told me that anger is not the answer… well I listened, but I just don’t get it, but I didn’t tell HIM that!
I mean my verbal road rage doesn’t stem from anger at these people, but from utter frustration at their lack of driving skills. And nobody hears my verbiages, normally, so what’s the harm in releasing some of that frustration?
Speaking of frustrating things…
If I was to come up with a list of frustrating things the lack of communication would have to be one of the top ten.
Nothing like going on a blind date and not being able to think of one intelligent thing to say! Here’s this “hottie” sitting across from you and your brain can’t make your mouth move to start a conversation, sort of like ordering a bowl of hot soup with no spoon! It really looks good, and smells good too, but you ain’t gonna taste it or touch it!
Dealing with the State of Ohio agencies, any one of them, would also be listed in the top ten. After pushing 20 buttons as instructed by the robot answering system, you have to wait on hold for a half an hour, listening to their crappy elevator music!
When you finally do get to talk to a human it’s usually a secretary that can’t help you and puts you back on hold while transferring you to someone who MIGHT be able to help!
I thought that pushing 20 buttons was supposed to get me to someone who COULD help me… I just don’t get it!
Another of the top ten would be when trying to remove 28 screws to fix something and the 28th screw has a stripped-out screw head… damn I hate that!
Then when you finally do get it apart, fix it, and try to put it back together, the NEW 28th screw falls and disappears into the carpet!
How about when the “Check Engine” light comes on, you look under the hood, and the engine is still there, all the fluids are full, no broken wires or hoses… I just don’t get it!
The “Windows Blue Screen Of Death” has to be among the top ten frustrations also. Especially at press time when your article is only half done!
My favorite frustration has to be wasted time. This usually happens when someone who knows nothing about a subject, that you have over 20 years experience with, asks for your opinion, you spend 20 minutes explaining it to them, and then they spend the next 20 minutes telling you why it won’t work!
Go ahead smarty pants… do it your way!
~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com
I Did Not Know That!
In the last issue I brought to your attention the multitude of people that seem to have the “Speed Limit Sign Blindness Disease!”
Nothing has changed with this scenario as I still find myself getting behind one of these morons on a daily basis. I had asked myself, in the article, “Where did all these Speed Limit Sign Blind people come from?”
Well it was brought to my attention that there are 68,380 more unemployed people in Ohio then there were in January, thus 68,380 more people on the roads looking for work… I did not know that!
This solves the mystery of the increase in moron drivers over the last few months… god help us!
Okay, moving on now to some other interesting things I did not know.
Online dating sites are moving towards looking for potential matches based on DNA compatibility, they make a match based on genes that build a part of the immune system known as the “major histocompatability complex”… I did not know that!
This is interesting but I’m a little concerned about how they will find you a date using DNA profiles… I mean if they ‘match’ you on similar DNA, the chances are they’re gonna be some sort of close relative!
Even if my sister was good looking, I am 100% positive I do NOT want to date her…YEASH!
Well, this tells me one thing… the couples who would try this approach to increase their chances for finding a match with online dating already have something interesting in common… they are both very STUPID!
I don’t have a four year degree in science, but I don’t think you have to have a great deal of scientific knowledge to know that this is some really weird bullcrap.
I mean think about it… you are born with a DNA and it sticks to you all your life, no matter if you are 2 years old or 90.
So if you are ugly as a kid but you become a hottie in your 30’s your DNA is still the same. Or if you are a hottie as a kid and become ugly in your 30’s, your DNA is still the same. And if you ARE fat, or skinny, or BECOME fat or skinny, your DNA is still the same.
In other words you could be a perfect match with an ugly fat midget! Or worse you could be a perfect match with an ugly old fat midget! Or even worse you could be a perfect match with an ugly old fat midget that turns out to be your sister…that’s just disgusting!
I am very skeptical and hesitant to believe that DNA will be able to find you a match of someone you find… “physically attractive”.
I think I’ll just rely on the old “meet them in person method”. At least you can run away if they turn out to be… well undesirable!
Which reminds me… never be talked into going on a blind date with, and be nice to, a lady who has a history of severe childhood trauma; as they tend to become infatuated stalkers that show up at the most inopportune times… I did not know that!
And never buy a lady Tampons with cardboard applicators, it seems that those suckers are really hard to install, honestly… I really did not know that!
~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com
I Just Don’t Get It!
It can’t just be me… someone else has had to notice that lately there has been a whole slew of drivers out there that have this nasty habit of driving 10 to 15 miles an hour LESS than the speed limit!
I mean come on now… 30 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone? And you can’t pass them because there is always a double yellow line, or a curve, or a whole line of traffic coming the other way, which are also following a bone head going 30 in a 55!
They don’t just do this in a 55 mile an hour zone either… in a 45 they go 30; in a 35 they go 25! They brake for any and all curves, leaves blowing across the road, and my favorite… road kill!
This of course gets me to a whole new level of verbal road rage!
“BEEP-BEEP-HONK-HONK! OH COME ON NOW YOU CAN’T KILL IT AGAIN! BESIDES IT’S ON THE DOUBLE YELLOW LINE, IT WON’T BITE YOUR TIRES… IT’S DEAD! GET A MOVE ON!”
To top it all off these morons will go out of their way to pull out in front of me, even when there are no cars behind me for miles!
“BEEP-BEEP-HONK-HONK! WHAT THE HELL BUDDY YOU COULDN’T WAIT 5 SECONDS TO GET BEHIND ME?”
Then it all starts again… waiting for a chance to get around them, braking for curves, blowing leaves, and road kill!
“BEEP-BEEP HONK-HONK! YOU JUST PASSED THE SPEED LIMIT SIGN! STEP ON IT!
I just don’t get it!
Every time I go somewhere, anywhere, I get behind one of these annoying disgusting people. All I can figure is that they must have the dreaded “Speed Limit Sign Blindness Disease!”
Then again these same obnoxious citizens will sit at a green light until it turns yellow, and then slither through the intersection leaving me sitting at… you guessed it… another red light!
“BEEP-BEEP-HONK-HONK! WHAT THE HELL THE LIGHIT IS GREEN… LITTLE PEDDLE NEXT TO THE HUMP… STEP ON IT!
I just don’t get it!
Then while sitting at the second red light, I noticed a lady standing by the road holding a sign that said:
“HUNGRY, ANYTHING WILL HELP! GOD BLESS YOU!”
Then a lady and a little girl walked up to her and handed her something, money no doubt, and she gave them a hug then they walked to their car.
I just don’t get it!
Feeling sympathetic I thought to myself: “This shouldn’t be happening… this is America for crying out loud!” My wallet is empty, as usual, so I can’t help her today, maybe next time.
Then I hear an annoying sound…
“BEEP-BEEP-HONK-HONK! WHAT THE HELL BUDDY… THE LIGHIT’S BEEN GREEN TWICE NOW… LITTLE PEDDLE NEXT TO THE HUMP… STEP ON IT!
What the… “OH NO… NO… I’ve become one of… THEM!”
~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com
Friggen Space Invaders!
Science Fiction is one of my favorite venues when it comes to boob-tube entertainment. I like a good scary movie once in a while too, if it makes me think, however most horror flicks lately just focus on killing and eating your neighbors!
Umm… have you SEEN my neighbors?
Have you seen YOUR neighbors?
Oh no, don’t worry I’m not going to take you there… yeah… your welcome!
Science fiction movies about space adventures intrigue me the most. Not just because I’ve been accused of being from outer space, but because I’d like to think that there are other species out there just a little smarter than us!
Wouldn’t it be grand to talk to some pointy headed alien about how they were able to successfully get rid of all the assbags that were screwing up their world!
After all they wouldn’t be able to gallivant across the cosmos if greedy control freaks were still in charge of THEIR technological advancements.
Perhaps that’s why our various governments want to shoot them out of the sky all the time! God forbid we let them talk to a real human!
But noooo, blow them out of the sky because they’re invading our air space!
Humm… Well there’s another kind of space that gets invaded and it is just as important, if not more so as our air space but doesn’t get nearly enough attention… our personal space, also known as our comfort zone.
Scientific studies show that personal space involves the concept of an invisible bubble around the body, and its size is determined by the individuals need for security.
As far as I’m concerned the only other reason someone should get blowed up for space invasion would be for invading my personal space… hey it’s mine so back the hell up!
What the… wait a minute… is that why I’m getting fatter… to increase my personal space? The more I think about it… the fatter I get the bigger the invisible bubble gets, which means more personal space I can have!
Hmmm… now it is all starting to make sense; all summer long kids have been irritating the hell out of me by standing way too close and talking way too loud all the while sticking baby doll butts or half eaten food in my face!
Kids don’t care about personal space, in fact I’m sure they high five each other when they see they’ve successfully violated our personal space causing us to get fatter to increase our invisible bubbles!
Hmmm… I guess now we should call these “fat bubbles”, and not so invisible!
And some skinny people say they have been irritated by ME this summer, claiming I was standing way too close and talking way too loud!
I’m crushed… I’m not a friggen space invader! I’m just getting older and a little hard of hearing and have a bigger fat bubble so get over it skinny people… I’m just moving in closer so I can hear you!
If you want more space… gain some friggen weight which gets you a bigger “fat bubble”… hey it works for me!
~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com
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