Old… Snarp Style!

Realizing that next year will be my high school’s… umm… a lot of years reunion, caused me to consider that maybe I really am getting… well old… der!

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!  This is very fortunate for you my loyal readers, after all if I ever figured it out would you want to read the crazed ramblings of a… a… GEEZER?

No… no my friends, you’ve gotten so used to reading the crazed ramblings of a mentally challenged 12 year old stuck in a man’s body, I just can’t do that to you!

I may not be able to avoid growing older, however, I indeed CAN refuse to grow up… yeah you’re welcome!

Don’t fall for all the crap propaganda out there about growing up; it’s only for those who suck at staying young at heart.

Here’s some Snarp Wisdom for ya…

When approaching the hurdles of life in your latter years, don’t fret if you can no longer lift your legs to clear them, there’s two ways to overcome this;

1.) Take your cane and poke the hurdles at the top center; this will knock them over and you can just hobble right over them!

2.) Or… wait for one of those young whippersnappers, trying to show you up to begin to lift their leg to jump, then poke em with your cane and they’ll fall into the hurdles knocking them all down; then just hobble right over them!  Be sure to chuckle.

So you see getting old… der doesn’t have to be boring, oh no on the contrary I can think of many ways to keep the ole brain waves full of zip.

For instance there must be lots of ways using a cane to mess with people.  You can poke em, trip em, grab em, and the list goes on and on!  If I end up having to use a cane though, I’d have to use one of my own evil designs to be sure.

Let’s see… it would have to have an mp3 player built in to annoy people with my jazz, blues and classic rock music, and maybe throw in a polka or two for all those punk rockers out there,  in stereo surround sound!

A cigar lighter, a built in LED flashlight, an aerosol fart eradicating spray canister, a built in cel-phone with a loud irritating ringtone, and at the press of a button an angry clowns voice shouting obscenities would be great!

A proximity alerts function would also have to be installed so all those punks I annoy can’t sneak up on me and knock me over. 

As soon as the alert goes off it would activate a cattle prod like electrical charge in the tip, that would shoot out bolts of lightning in their direction WITH thunder!

The cattle prod function would also come in handy for jump starting another geezer’s pace maker in a pinch!  And if I’m out on a date with a very sexy geezer lady and she falls asleep at the table during dinner, “JIZIZT!… JIZIZT!… WAKE UP!”

Heh-heh, hmm… this function could also come in handy during geezer sex afterwards, “JIZIZT!… JIZIZT!… WAKE UP!”

You really don’t want me to get old do you?

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com

I Shudder To Think!

“The nations of the world will have to unite, for the next war.  The nations of the earth must someday make a common front against attack by people from other planets”

General Douglas MacArthur
October 8, 1955

In 1955 when it was discovered that introverts have more saliva than extroverts, the term U.F.O. stood for “Unidentified Flying Object”, today it stands for “Unleaded Fuel Only!”

General MacArthur was thought to be a little eccentric, but for a man with his military background to make such a bold statement sent lightning bolts streaking through my deep, cavernous mind! 

Crashing into the walls of the caverns with such a force has set loose a chain reaction of thoughts that I cannot spare you from, my loyal readers, I am sorry, you have a right to know… we are not alone… aliens DO live among us!

I have PROOF!

Of all the creatures living on this planet I figured that someday one of them would slip up and reveal their true identity… alien!

It’s happened!  Women!  Women and cats have to be aliens!

Think about it, for centuries man has tried to figure out women… and cats.  They elude all attempts at trying to figure them out.

Fact #1 – It does not matter what you say to women, how you say it, when you say it, or in what manner you say it… they don’t hear you!  Perhaps it’s because they can’t hear human male speech!  ALIENS!  Cats too!

Fact #2 – Cats don’t understand a thing you say to them unless you are willing to act like a weirdo and talk baby talk to them. 
Alien control maneuver!  WOMEN TOO!

Fact #3 – A dog knows what you’re saying, all other human males know what you’re saying, but women on the other hand try to make us believe we’re stupid because they can’t understand us, then twist our words around so it will make sense to them! 
Alien mind altering maneuver!

Fact #4 – The Male human touch reveals the aliens identity.  What happens when you pet a cat the wrong way?  The claws come out and rip your eyes out!  Try to pet a woman and what happens?  The claws come out and rip your eyes out and you’ll get thrown out of the restaurant.
Alien identity protection maneuver!

Fact #5 – Women don’t have to initiate romance with a man, and they know they don’t have to, and they don’t care because they all have boobs.  They use those things to intimidate us by flashing them around and then not letting us near them.  Hmm… I’ll bet they’re really Alien egg sacks!  No other creature on earth protects boobs like a woman does!
Alien species protection maneuver!

Throughout human history mankind has had to endure many obstacles in order to insure its existence on this planet. Dinosaurs, which liked us because we were crunchy and taste good, no longer pose a threat to our existence. 

But we had better keep a close eye on women and cats; they could just be the aliens that General MacArthur warned us about back in 1955!

~Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com

In The Nick Of Time!

Two blondes walk into a bar… ”OUCH”!  Sorry I couldn’t resist!

One of the greatest mysteries that men cannot solve is why, when they get drunk, someone creeps into their bedroom in the middle of the night, vomits on their clothes and pees in the closet!

I’m gonna set a trap for that creep!

Another great mystery is time… time has always fascinated me.  For instance, what occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but not once in a hundred years?  No not sex after marriage… the letter “m”!

Okay let’s get serious… well… almost.

What got me started on this whole time thing was getting my hands on all the episodes of “Star Trek Enterprise”.  The third season was all about time travel and all the nasty things that could happen if it were possible.

Yes I’m a “Closet Trekky”, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in my right mind.  You’ll know when I’m not in my right mind, because my left mind gets pretty crowded and I’ll write about stupid stuff… uh… well you’ll just have to deal with it!

Time travel could be very useful.  For instance there never seems to be enough time when a woman is putting on makeup, yet plenty of it when you say something to her about it.  Push a button and “whoosh” she’s done!

Or take a trip back to your wedding day and this time take up your best mans offer to GET YOU THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

You could also take a trip to when you were in the third grade and slip some “Wild Turkey” into your mean ole teachers’ coffee, then hide stuff from her and watch her have a nervous breakdown, and then just maybe, maybe she’d get some FRIGGEN HELP!  Psycho!

Hey while you were still in that time you could also dress up like an alien, sneak into “Big Bully Billy’s” bedroom at night and threaten to vaporize his gonads if he doesn’t stop beating up little kids and stealing their lunch money, then watch him scream like a little girl!  Priceless!

Yeah this could be cool!  You could go back to several points in your past and leave yourself little notes to avoid all the stupid mistakes you’ve made, or to buy Microsoft and McDonald’s stocks when they first offered them!

You could go back and flatten your tires so you couldn’t get that DUI, super glue the dude’s lips closed that stole your girlfriend, drug yourself then give yourself “hickies” so you’d think you had scored the night before, better yet drug her give her “hickies” so she’d think you had scored the night before!

Of course these things could have an adverse effect on your future, like what would happen if you accidently went back in time to when you were conceived?  You could be scared for life after seeing your parents naked!  Having SEX?  “AHHHHH!”

And what if they were frightened when they saw you trembling with fear, whimpering like a mad man, clawing at your eyes in the corner of their bedroom, and didn’t finish the job? 

You wouldn’t exist, of course after an experience like that you wouldn’t want to!

~Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com

May Day… May Day!

May is an odd month; at least this one has been so far.  May brings us May Day, Cinco De Mayo, Armed Forces Day, Mothers Day, and Memorial Day.

Of these five days of observance, or reasons to party, May Day has captured my attention the most this year.

I mean “may day… may day… may day…” is used as an emergency code word internationally as a distress signal to alert others that a person is in grave and imminent danger and requires immediate assistance.

Ever wonder why?

Well scientifically May Day marks the end of the winter half of the year in the Northern hemisphere.  However it may be best known for its tradition of naked ladies dancing around a pole… WHOO-HOO!

But May Day was also celebrated by some early settlers of America. It was an odd tradition of placing small baskets filled with flowers or treats on someone’s doorstep, ringing the bell and then running away!

The person receiving the basket would try to catch the fleeing giver. If they caught the person, they’d have to kiss them.

Hmmm… this could be interesting!  I can see myself leaving baskets at quite a few hot ladies’ doorsteps, ringing the door bell, and instead of running away, just stand there… eyes closed… lips puckered… waiting for that kiss, and if I’m lucky maybe a little tongue!

That would be just swell! 

Hmmm… wait a minute… what if the hot lady wasn’t home at the time?  I could be standing there all puckered up for hours!  Better bring some “chap stick”!

One thing for sure if I see little baskets scattered all around the yard I’d better just move on to the next name on the list.  Chances are that this hottie has a guard dog trained to answer the door!

I could be tongued by Marma Duke for crying out loud!  “UCKKY POO!”

Or worse yet she could sic her gay brother on me!  Ewew!

Or even worseorer… she could hire Harriet the smelly, homeless lady with leaking puss sacks all over her lips to answer the door!

“AHHH! AHHH! THAT’S NOT SALIVA! AHHH! GET IT OFF ME! AHHH!

Whoo-boy… that just gave me the willies!  OMG I think I’m gonna be sick!  Why… why do I corrupt the caverns with such stuff?

Well, with that nasty thought in mind, I guess I’d want my eyes open and I’d probably want to carry a two-way radio to call a guy waiting in a get-a-way car WITH some antiseptic wipes… just in case!

“MAY DAY… MAY DAY… MAY DAY… GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!”

So my theory is that this international distress call of grave and imminent danger requiring immediate assistance, actually originated by some poor misguided settler who left baskets on the wrong doorsteps!

Can you see now why this tradition never made it into the twenty first century?
I’d just ruin it for the rest of you!

~Snarp
www.SnarpFarkle.com

Pigeon Poop Wisdom!

“Wise men talk because they have something to say; foolish men talk because they have to say something” – Plato

Wisdom… The problem with wisdom is, we all want it, we all need it, but we don’t it get until just AFTER we need it. 

So I thought I’d share some “Snarp Wisdom” with you to help you be somewhat prepared in the event that you are under the “Wretched Wisdom Attack”, and don’t know what to say.

What is the “Wretched Wisdom Attack”?

Ever have someone say to you, “A word for the wise…”, and then proceed to fill you in on what will happen to you if you DON’T take their advice?

It’s never just one word… is it?  And I doubt very strongly that they consider you “wise” in the first place, because if they did, well then they would have nothing to say… would they?

Oh no, it’s usually several words, and if their eyes are squinting and they’re pointing a sharp object in your direction… MOM, then you know it’s just time to let them vent; doing anything else just prolongs the “Wretched Wisdom Attack”!

Under no circumstances cover your eyes with your hands and run out of the room screaming like a little girl.  Chances are you will run into the doorway and knock yourself out! 

When you wake up, or they catch up with you, you will find the sharp object closer to your face and the “word for the wise” suddenly becomes the “word for the fool who thought he could get away with it”!

Lying is probably what got you into this mess to begin with.  It’s easier to tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything!

It has been said that: – “Wisdom is accepting that some days you’re the pooping pigeon and some days you’re the pooped covered statue.”  So if you find yourself under attack by someone equipped with “Wretched Wisdom”, guess what… you’re the pooped covered statue, and they are the pooping pigeon, stay still and let them poop!

This doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun while being smothered with pigeon poop wisdom.  If you are clever enough you just might be able to induce “pooping pigeon constipation” on them!

Try saying; “What was the last thing you said just before the first time you said it?”  Then before they can recover say “Look, I’ve learned my lesson, I know that a spoon doesn’t know the taste of soup, and the early worm gets eaten.”

Keep going… keep going… “I also know not to fry bacon in the nude, that crowded elevators smell different to midgets, and to never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

At this point you have just stuck the proverbial cork in the pigeons butt and you can safely turn and walk away knowing that your attacker has just gained some of your “Pigeon Poop Wisdom”…

“Never argue with a wiser fool. You might not know which one you are!”

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key!

~Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com

Lick Your Elbow!

I found some interesting information about the bipedal humanoid species inhabiting this planet, (that would be us), so I thought I would share my findings on a one of the more intriguing subjects.

For instance, the statistics on sanity state that one out of every four persons is suffering from some form of mental illness.

That’s a very bold statement, and it would suggest that 1,704,225,000 of our fellow humanoid bipeds are suffering in this way! So how can we be sure that we are not the one out of four who are nuts?

Well one technique to keep in check would be to think about your three closest friends, or family members, if they seem okay, then you know it’s you!  Heh-heh!

Don’t fret if you find that it is you who is “out to lunch” though; this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Like I’ve said before, if everybody was n-n-n-normal, this would be a very boring world!

In fact if you use this technique often, you will see that everybody gets a turn at being “one fry short of a Happy Meal”.  Sometimes it’ll be your turn; it happens… it’s okay!

Look, by the using the statistics above, your gonna go bonkers at least 90 days out of the year anyways so why not make the best of it?

The problem is that most people try to hide the fact that they have a screw loose, or feel they’re going off the deep end; you need to let the others know that it’s just your turn, that way they won’t worry too much about you being “two cans short of a six pack” for a while.

If you find that one of your friends are hording the crazies time slot, you could help them by being odd or slightly crazy on purpose.  This can actually shorten the time span that they spend being a nut job.

You could have some fun with this, like go into a department store with this cake-head friend, find your way to a fitting room, go in, shut the door and wait a while; then, yell, very loudly, “THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!”

This will let your friend know that it is in fact your turn to be the psycho- whack job and they can relax for a while.

To reinforce this technique, while being escorted from the store by the security personnel, start yelling to everyone on the way out; “LICK YOUR ELBOW… you, lady, LICK YOUR ELBOW!”

This will have a twofold effect.  One is if the shear embarrassment of being with you doesn’t shake them out of it, then watching all those people trying to lick their elbows should do the trick!

The bottom line is don’t get stuck trying to analyze why you don’t have “all your oars in the water”, that’s like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.  Instead embrace being a freak when it’s your turn, you don’t have to spaz out and be a complete lunatic, just relax and go with the flow.

If you haven’t guessed by now I live in my own little world. But it’s OK… they know me here!

By the way it is impossible to lick your elbow, but at least 75% of people who read this will try!

~Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com

Spring Has Sprung!

WARNING: WHILE READING THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL BECOME ARTIFICIALLY 0.57418% SMARTER, BUT DON’T BE ALARMED IT ONLY LASTS A FEW SECONDS!

There’s nothing more annoying than a broken spring. We depend on springs to be springy when they’re supposed to be, but when a spring’s sprong is sprung, suddenly we feel helpless as we mere mortals do not have the means to cope with springlessness.

Springs are everywhere, they’re all around us, and it’s kind of creepy when you stop to think about it!

I mean there are springs in our doors, chairs, cars, appliances, watches, computer hard drives, even our beds; the list goes on and on and on!

If springs ever became aware of themselves well… they could really screw with us humans in ways that we could never imagine!

Think about this… you get up all groggy in the morning, start fumbling around in the kitchen, stick a day old cup of coffee in the microwave, and push the “one minute” button.

Then after you hear the “beep” you reach up to open the door so you can retrieve the luscious cup of brain enhancement juice.

But for some hideous reason the “spring” in the latch that opens the microwave door, decides that you’ve been over-caffeinating yourself and goes on strike!

Yeah… not a pretty picture is it?

After a few seconds of blinking your sleep craved eyes in bewilderment, you try again and again to open the door so you can get your hands around that holy vessel of brain cell elixir, but alas… all hope is lost.

You can still see the cup through the little holes in the protective screen of the microwave door. You can see the steam rising forth enticing you to smell its magnificent aroma!

But as the steam starts forming on the inside of the door, blocking your view of that holy grail, you turn away, shoulders slumped, a broken man and head for the coffee maker to try to formulate some more of that enchanting substance that enhances your life, even if for just a little while.

Tears start to form which mix with the previous night’s eye excrement, creating a glue like substance causing your eyelashes to stick together, and as a result you can’t see where you are going so you then stumble into the counter top bruising your right hip!

Writhing in pain you twist and step backward to avoid further damage only to step on the back of your left slipper losing your balance and fall smashing to the floor now bruising your left knee, hip and elbow!

At the same time the coffee maker that you thought would save you by grabbing a hold of it, goes flying across the room onto the microwave breaking into many tiny pieces!

Then suddenly you hear that familiar sound, “tick-clunk”, and the microwave door miraculously springs opens revealing its precious cargo!

Rubbing the glue from your eyes, you get up, hobble over to the microwave and grasp the container of this life-force transforming liquid with both hands and begin to sip it oh so gently.

While blissfully savoring the moment you look up, and your eyes fixate on the microwave door… “Huh, Spring has sprung!”

~Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com