That’s Just Wrong!
Let’s start this article with a little prayer that I’ve twisted just a bit.
I pray for Wisdom to understand my coworkers; I pray for Love to forgive their idiotic behavior;
I pray for Patience for their ever asinine moods;
I do not pray for Strength though Lord… because I will beat them to death!
AMEN
There that’s better!
You can adapt this little prayer for your needs simply by changing “coworkers” for “family, friends, children, siblings, geezers, etc., or self”!
Say it just before bedtime to help relieve the day’s anxiety that they have given you, and every morning before you encounter them since you already know what to expect!
I’ve already tried killing them with kindness but the words ‘killing them’ keeps getting louder each time I think of that saying and killing people… well that’s just wrong… damn it!
And dealing with strangers, well just remember everyone seems ordinary until you get to know them for at least fifteen minutes, then they’ll probably be just as asinine as everyone else you deal with so don’t feel bad if you start to think about plummeting them in the face with a riding lawn mower!
Sometimes however people can fool you into thinking that they are n-n-n-normal and pull it off for years! Countless times I’ve heard people say that their spouse wasn’t ‘like that’ when they met and fell in love. Well yes… yes they were!
This reminds me of a story I came across a while back that I must share with you.
There was an elderly couple sitting across from each other during an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our nine children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye; she pauses for moment and then confessed. “Yes… Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife is admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who… Who was he? …Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: “You!” Hee-Hee-Hee!
So you see, everyone you will meet is probably just as asinine, idiotic, and unstable as those you work with, grew up with, live with, fell in love with and all the other people you’ve encountered so far!
Just say the prayer making the necessary changes and only in extreme circumstances change the last sentence to “Just give me the Strength! Forget the rest, just give me the Strength! I promise I won’t beat them to death; I just want to beat them! Give me the Strength! Give it to me!
That’s just wrong!
~ Snarp
IGIDDYGAGA!
I coined the phrase “IGIDDYGAGA” to express myself when somebody would say something to me that I either couldn’t hear or couldn’t understand what they were saying. I’ve since used it for a variety of choice occasions and no matter what someone says to me I can just say “IGIDDYGAGA” in whatever tone of voice would go well with the conversation.
So if someone were to annoyingly say to me from across the room, “Snarp, egabla bla bla bla?”, that’s what it would sound like to me anyways, I can just say “IGIDDYGAGA” in a reassuring tone of voice, which they can’t really hear me say either and they will leave me alone!
Or if someone gets in my way I just say “IGIDDYGAGA” in an irritating tone of voice, and after they give me a strange look, they get out of my way… one word, problem solved!
Most of the employees and some of the patrons here comprehend my ‘one word says all’ philosophy and respond accordingly. Some have even adapted a variation in response to my “IGIDDYGAGA”, like “GAGAGIGIDDY” which is kind of weird but hey… whatever!
I mostly use it when people ignore me as if I were invisible, I just blurt out “IGIDDYGAGA” and ‘presto-change-o’ I become visible again!
My ‘one word says all’ philosophy has served me well so far but I have yet tried to use it to get a date or in an intimate situation, that should prove interesting during climax… “IGIDDY… IGIDDY… IGIDDY… GAAAAA-GAAAA”!
Heh-Heh I’ll probably get in trouble for that one!
Anyways, developing my ‘one word says all philosophy’ has its uses, I can put choice words in between the “IGIDDY” and the “GAGA” to further enhance my meaning, like “IGIDDY-DAMN-GAGA” when someone tries to tell me I’m wrong, or “IGIDDY-UP YOUR-GAGA” when I want to express a warning to an annoying assbag!
I haven’t had much luck at the local gas station though. When asked if I want a receipt for instance and I say “IGIDDYGAGA”, I get “Did you just say ‘Lady Gaga’?” Sheesh!
However I’ve noticed during the course of our human existence we are sometimes reluctantly forced into making life altering decisions.
THIS IS NOT COOL!
Just when you get comfortable with your wretched miserable existence… again, out of the blue there’s new stuff to cram into your already sweltering grey matter!
Who wrote “The Rule Book Of Life” anyways?
Like skid marks in dark colored underwear, just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean “The Rule Book Of Life” doesn’t exist! It must because you are constantly told that, “You can’t do that”, or “You can’t say that”, or “You can’t go there”, or “You can’t have that”!
CAN’T-CAN’T-CAN’T-CAN’T-CAN’T!
Then all of a sudden life altering decisions come along and you are told that “You must do that”, or “You must say that”, or “You must go there”, or “You must have that”!
MUST- MUST- MUST- MUST- MUST!
Oh yeah? I got one thing to say about all that…
“IGIDDY-FRIGGEN-GAGA!”
~ Snarp
