History Of Games!

Games are things we humanoids have enjoyed doing since… well forever I guess.

For all we know even the earliest pre-cave dwelling Neanderthals might have enjoyed rolling cleverly shaped dino-poop balls over a cliff at each other!

Hah! I can just hear it now, “Auh, toocha merka doneckta conchoo, ug inka karaga lee, tookie tookie chaga tingkadoo… urka… urka… tongo… DANGA charkachoo!”

Oh sorry let me translate that for you.  “Hey Auh, looky who’s walking by down there, it’s UG and his twin brother LEE, hurry up and help me roll this dino-poop ball over the cliff… steady… steady… now… BINGO got em!”

Thus Bingo was born!  Hey don’t seem so surprised, ever go to a bingo game?  Those little ole ladies can be ruthless!

In fact I’m guessing that Dino-Poop Ball Rolling was probably responsible for many of the more aggressive games we enjoy today, like one of the most hostile games of our century… DIVORCE!

Yes divorce is a game; it’s a lawyer’s game where you get to be the poop ball and they get to be the rollers.  A faster spin with a slower roll will result in more money flying out of you for a longer period, and in the end… THEY always win!

What else did Neanderthals have to do but to find ways to skillfully shape dino poop?  If they rolled it in their hands just right a new game was born, like football and bowling!

Probably one day while wiping the dino poop off their hands with leaves, they found it amusing to flip the leaves on the table in a certain fashion and thus poker was born!

If there is anything that can destroy a man’s confidence in his manhood quicker than losing his first argument with a woman on the subject of “size doesn’t matter”… it’s playing poker!

Losing money, property or a business while flipping little pieces of cardboard around a table is not my idea of a meaningful manhood confidence building activity!  Oh you can develop a certain skill at it I’m sure, just as long as you are not… me!

There’s more than just one poker game, just as well as more than one poker hand.  There are several poker tips, lots of poker rules; you got poker stars, poker TV, poker parties, poker news, and my favorite… strip poker!

I really have no doubt that dino poop was responsible for our modern day poker!

I came to this conclusion only just weeks ago. I downloaded and have been playing this computer poker game to see if I could improve my skills.  I can now understand how people where driven to physical violence over a stupid game of cards!

It’s set in the Old West Texas period and has cute little 3D people that go from town to town to play poker for the chance to buy the various towns when you win enough money.

It was all cute and fun… up until at the point to continue the game I had to play and win against this obnoxious taunting woman!

I spent countless hours lost all my pretend money, all my pretend towns, in a pretend poker game against a pretend obnoxious taunting woman; all I wanted to do was “poker in the face!”  Damn Neanderthals!

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com/

Stupigence!

It’s kind of funny sometimes when you are asked to describe something you normally take for granted. 

For instance, I was asked by a sort of swanky-high class-up-to-do lady about what my style of writing was… uhh… hmm… I’ll have to think about that one.

Then again while having a slightly alcohol induced tranquil conversation with “Q” and “Brutus” at our secret vacation encampment, clandestinely hidden deep within the hills of Pennsylvania, “Q” brought up the subject of “THONGS”… no not the kind you wear on your feet!

“Brutus” and I both looked at each other then instantly at “Q” to see if perhaps she had enough beers in her to maybe show us hers!  A lot of strange things can happen at camp and we’ve been waiting 10 years for this moment, but alas… no show, damn!

Anyways, when the thong conversation turned to… gulp… guy thongs, I know that “Brutus” has had to have worn one, at least once, because he stated how uncomfortable they were!

“Brutus you sly dog you!”

I must admit that I too was once talked into putting one on.  Hey it was a gift from a very sexy hot young lady… and it was silk… and, and passion purple… and, and vey soft… and, and kind of tingly… and, uhh… uhh, I swear I only wore it for her… in the bedroom, never in public… no really!

Uhh… ahem… now that I’ve absolutely exposed myself to public humiliation, let’s get back to the story… shall we?

As soon as Brutus made the claim of how uncomfortable thongs were for men to wear, lightning bolts started bombarding the walls of my cavernous mind, releasing what seemed like 414.5 super balls all bouncing around in my head as I tried to come up with the perfect depiction of how uncomfortable it is for a guy to wear a thong.

Well… the best way I can describe such an awkward sensation is for you to use your imagination for a moment.

Imagine a 70 year old, fat, bald headed midget bible school teacher, following you around with the four fingers of his right hand stuck between your butt cheeks, singing in a high pitched squeaky voice… “Go Tell It On The Mountain!”

No matter where you try to go the little scalawag is right there, fingers in the cheeks, hideously singing away!  “Go tell it on the mountain, over the hills and everywhere…!”

You can twirl to the right, you can twist to the left, you can squirm all you want but he’s not going away!  “Go tell it on the mountain, over the hills and everywhere…!”

His boney little wart fingers are stuck between your butt cheeks… very prickly, his repulsive singing voice is attracting attention from horrified onlookers… very awkward, you can’t sit down it just makes it worse… very uncomfortable!

So to sum it all up for you ladies out there, guy thongs are prickly, awkward, and uncomfortable, that’s why we don’t wear them… in public that is!

Whew… after that one I believe I can now describe my style of writing.  Something like “Intellectual Stupidity” Let’s just call it “Stupigence”!

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com

Old… Snarp Style!

Realizing that next year will be my high school’s… umm… a lot of years reunion, caused me to consider that maybe I really am getting… well old… der!

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!  This is very fortunate for you my loyal readers, after all if I ever figured it out would you want to read the crazed ramblings of a… a… GEEZER?

No… no my friends, you’ve gotten so used to reading the crazed ramblings of a mentally challenged 12 year old stuck in a man’s body, I just can’t do that to you!

I may not be able to avoid growing older, however, I indeed CAN refuse to grow up… yeah you’re welcome!

Don’t fall for all the crap propaganda out there about growing up; it’s only for those who suck at staying young at heart.

Here’s some Snarp Wisdom for ya…

When approaching the hurdles of life in your latter years, don’t fret if you can no longer lift your legs to clear them, there’s two ways to overcome this;

1.) Take your cane and poke the hurdles at the top center; this will knock them over and you can just hobble right over them!

2.) Or… wait for one of those young whippersnappers, trying to show you up to begin to lift their leg to jump, then poke em with your cane and they’ll fall into the hurdles knocking them all down; then just hobble right over them!  Be sure to chuckle.

So you see getting old… der doesn’t have to be boring, oh no on the contrary I can think of many ways to keep the ole brain waves full of zip.

For instance there must be lots of ways using a cane to mess with people.  You can poke em, trip em, grab em, and the list goes on and on!  If I end up having to use a cane though, I’d have to use one of my own evil designs to be sure.

Let’s see… it would have to have an mp3 player built in to annoy people with my jazz, blues and classic rock music, and maybe throw in a polka or two for all those punk rockers out there,  in stereo surround sound!

A cigar lighter, a built in LED flashlight, an aerosol fart eradicating spray canister, a built in cel-phone with a loud irritating ringtone, and at the press of a button an angry clowns voice shouting obscenities would be great!

A proximity alerts function would also have to be installed so all those punks I annoy can’t sneak up on me and knock me over. 

As soon as the alert goes off it would activate a cattle prod like electrical charge in the tip, that would shoot out bolts of lightning in their direction WITH thunder!

The cattle prod function would also come in handy for jump starting another geezer’s pace maker in a pinch!  And if I’m out on a date with a very sexy geezer lady and she falls asleep at the table during dinner, “JIZIZT!… JIZIZT!… WAKE UP!”

Heh-heh, hmm… this function could also come in handy during geezer sex afterwards, “JIZIZT!… JIZIZT!… WAKE UP!”

You really don’t want me to get old do you?

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com

Am I Confused?

While frequenting a local pub the other day, I noticed the bartender on duty that day was behaving in a somewhat playful energetic manner, and we’ll refer to her as “Fofanna”.

Fofanna is a bouncy person anyways, but for OTHER reasons, heh-heh!  On this day she was bouncing around all over the place behind the bar, as I said, in a somewhat playful energetic manner!

So I finally said; “Fofanna you sure are full of piss and vinegar today!”  Immediately, as you can imagine, thoughts of what I just said started bouncing around in my head like 222 little super balls in a dryer!

What the hell do piss and vinegar have to do with being energetic?  Or why if you’re full of piss and vinegar are you considered energetic?  Who in their right mind would drink either one?

Very complexing… yes complexing indeed!

Nobody in the pub could tell me how this strange adage came to be!  When I was a wee lad I remember my grandmother saying that to me, but it was usually preceded by her saying “You little imp…”

What could possibly have been going on in someone’s mind to come up with such a creepy statement as that? 

As it turns out it comes from the 1920’s, an abstract of other sayings, but still no one can tell me how those two liquids came to be associated with each other yet alone the meaning to be energetic!

It’s still a mystery!

There are other things that perplex me as well like; I would eat a lot more natural foods but I’ve learned that most people die of natural causes!  The natural foods advocates say things like “You are what you eat”… I AM NOT!  I would never put me in my mouth; I know where I’ve been!

I remember being totally shocked when learning that “Life is Sexually Transmitted”, and there’s not one shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is serious!

I also know if you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out, but if the government claims to have no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations; implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extra-terrestrials or their vehicles?

I may not be the most brilliant intellectual organism on the planet, but just because I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be without sponges, doesn’t mean I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe!

Other things that I’ve heard over the years perplex me still such as “No matter where you go, there you are!” umm… not always!

“Gotta make ends meet.” By the time you can make ends meet, the ends move again!

How about “High on the hog” uh… pretty sure I never tried to smoke one, and if I did I did not inhale!

Right now I may be having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time, because I think I’ve forgotten all this before, but then again life is full of uncertainties … or could I be wrong about that too?

Ah yes, my mind IS like a steel trap, deadly, rusty and probably illegal in most states.

~Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com