Have you ever contemplated the ageless question… why do we exist?  Why are we here on planet earth?  What are we supposed to accomplish here?

We have been inundated over the years with many ancient mysteries such as the Bermuda Triangle, Bigfoot, Stonehenge, the Mayan Calendar, the great pyramids of Egypt, Stonehenge, Easter Island, Atlantis, cats and women just to mention a few, and there is plenty of evidence that there was an extremely advanced civilization 5,000 years before our history says modern humans even appeared on earth.

Yet here we sit in the 21rst century with close to 2.5 million years of human history to guide us and we can’t even force ourselves to believe the facts and that in itself is… a mystery.  We can’t even begin to solve the mystery of women yet alone the Great Pyramids!

Someone once said that “Life is a mystery waiting to be soiled…” or was that solved?  Hmmm… seems like both to me; while some humanoids do indeed strive to unlock the mysteries of life, others continue just to ‘soil’ all over theirs contaminating the rest of us!

Even though these life’s mystery soilers are not suitable candidates for mystery solving achievement awards, I must admit when I soil myself it’s always a mystery!

Some mysteries are more important to decipher than others like why does lint always find its way into my jean pockets when in the washer?  Lint doesn’t end up in my shirt pockets, just the jeans!

Why damnit Why?

Or why is it that after I turned 50 I finally started to grow hair again… in all the wrong places?  Nostril hairs still have me baffled!  You can trim them and yank them yet two days later they’re back and a quarter inch longer!

Why damnit Why?

Other things continue to mystify me on a daily basis like if around 90 per cent of the world’s population is right-handed, and it is easier for right-handers to button shirts from the right, why do women’s garments button from the left while men’s button from the right?  This is totally unacceptable!

While we’re on the subject why do women wear high heels?  I mean they all complain that high heels are really uncomfortable and make walking more difficult, so why do they keep wearing them?  You don’t see men going around wearing jock-straps do you?

Another mystery that concerns me is that the numbers on a phone verses the numbers on a calculator… are reversed?  This has puzzled me for years!  And I still find it absurd that the cost of a funeral has risen by 50%, and it’s blamed on the cost of living!  Really?

Here’s one mystery that I’m happy to report has been solved; Stress! Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet!  I hate it when that happens!

Then when looking through some old photos I contemplated that I used to be dark and handsome, now only when it’s dark I’m handsome!  What the…? Why damnit Why?

~ Snarp

www.foggyblogg.com

Happy Damn Holidays and Merry Friggen Ho-Ho’s is all I got to say about this holiday season so far, it’s already getting boring since it’s been shoved down our throats since the beginning of October!

Now the blow-up-yard-crap-junkies have replaced all of the hokey Halloween and Thanksgiving yard crap with Christmas yard crap!   You know, the fifty dollar air filled blowups that yard crap junkies keep putting up every year for the holidays!  In a week they’ll all be slumped over like drunken Geezers!

At least I haven’t had another attempt on my life by one of those Frosty The Snow Man blowup yard monsters; it’s been a couple of years since that hideous adventure.  If you remember, some yard crap junkie didn’t tie down his Frosty The Snowman blow up doll and a fall breeze freed the yard crap monster to seek me out and try to kill me!

Yeah I was driving down the road on a nice breezy fall day when I noticed something in the road ahead and it was moving toward me at a disturbing velocity!  “What the…?” I said as I tried to veer off to the left to get out of its way but it maneuvered back into my path so I swerved to the right and it still honed in on me like a guided missile!

Out of places to go I had to slam on the brakes and then Frosty hit and blurted out a sound that I can be best described as a giant whoopee cushion and laid itself on my hood with his big black evil eyes staring right at me!  It was a very frightening experience!

I left Frosty all shriveled up like a giant white prune in the ditch, and yes there may be some truth to the rumor that I stoned him several times with some road side boulders!  Hey I had to make sure he didn’t try to follow me!  I still have nightmares of that day!

During the next couple of weeks you will most likely be exposed to other hideous holiday madness.  Most of these are very time consuming and it’s your job to find a way to get yourself out of them!

Holiday Mushy Heads think it’s a holiday tradition to suck all of the time from your busy schedule; so you’ll need to prepare to avoid them completely!

They seem to sneak up on you during the holidays and pull some repulsive act of kindness on you leaving you defenseless, and vulnerable to whatever they may have in store for you.

They know that you will not be able to refuse to listen to them for at least 10 minutes!  After the first ten minutes they quickly shoot for another ten, and then another, and then another until they’ve used up all your time!

You, not wanting to be rude, are waiting for them to get to the point… and they know you are!

You can’t be mean or rude to one or they’ll start bawling which just adds more time they’ll need to get to the point! Sheesh!

If you take any stock in the Mayan calendar crap then this will be your last holiday season before the earth blows up so avoid blowup yard crap, Holiday Mushy Heads and all other holiday madness at all costs!

~ Snarp

www.foggyblogg.com