Your A Geezer When…
Lately my articles have seemed more like crazed ramblings of a potential Geezer than the normal crazed ramblings of a man with a deep cavernous mind that you have been accustomed to and I apologize for that.
I sometimes feel that I may be getting too old too fast. I mean it’s like life keeps creeping up on me and changing things faster than I can say; “Rumpis-echo-buba-doobalag-agasaurus-crum”!
It’s probably a new virus like ‘Pre-Geezeritus’, where we young folk are being infected with the symptoms of ‘Geezeritus’ prematurely!
So what are the symptoms of Pre- Geezeritus?
1) People are pissing me off faster.
2) Drivers are pissing me off faster.
3) Stores are pissing me off faster.
4) Kids are pissing me off faster.
5) Holidays are pissing me off faster.
6) Politicians are pissing me off faster.
7) Doctors are pissing me off faster.
8) Pissing me off is pissing me off faster.
If one or all of these symptoms are true for you then you may be infected with Pre-Geezeritus.
As an experiment I wanted to know if I was indeed on the short bus to becoming a Geezer, so I decided to start digging into Geezers psyche to see what makes them tick!
Geezers keep running into things and breaking hips and legs, then get two more shoe boxes of mind altering pills to take per day.
Geezers have to wear Depends to keep all the poop in one convenient place for easy cleanup. Geezers don’t like it when you sneak up behind them scaring the bejesus out of them refilling the newly changed Depends!
I still have two Geezers left, me Pops and me Mumsie. Currently they both are in the same Geezer Patch where the Geezer Nurses are taking pretty good care of them. A Geezer Patch is a nursing home, it’s where Geezers grow!
Mumsie is there because she took a fall out in the yard trying to gig groundhogs and thank god she landed on her head or she would have broke something for sure! She says she slipped in the wet grass so we’re buying her some golf shoes with 2” spikes and making her wear Depends to keep the grass dry the next time!
She was really out of it for a couple days; it was like she fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down! They’d ask her questions to see if she was coherent and she thought a quarterback was a refund!
When I went to see her the first thing I did was point to her ear and said, “Mumsie, why do you have a suppository in your ear?” Mumsie took the suppository out, looked at it and said, “Snarp, I’m really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is!”
Whew she had us worried there for a while!
Pops don’t remember much but he does have a mechanical mind; he just forgets to wind it up now and then, and he does lead the ‘League of Geezers’ in nostril hair growth so he has that going for him!
He does want a cattle prod for the ‘Old Raddie Geezers’ that get stuck in the hallways after falling asleep during their daily walk!
“JIZIZT!… JIZIZT!… JIZIZT … WAKE UP!”
Hmmm… mind altering pills, Old Raddie cattle prodding, 2” spikes, hearing aid suppositories, Depends and nasal hair competitions…
Maybe becoming a Geezer won’t be so bad after all!
~ Snarp
My Cosmic Policy!
There must be something in the water or maybe the air because lately there seems to be a sudden increase of stupid negativity going around and it’s really starting to get annoying.
Maybe it’s a new strange bird flu virus like Bohemian Waxed Wing Vulture Flee Influenza or something stupid like that!
All I know is that lately I’ve found myself in a cluster of gloomy individuals who force me into conversations I really don’t want to be in, or don’t give a rat’s ass about, and even if I pretend to be busy and walk away they follow me, or just talk louder!
Then there’s the repeater, if it only takes 2 minutes to spew out insults or some other form of verbal abuse they just repeat it 5 times so it will take at least 10 minutes of my time!
The really fun ones are those that notice I’ve zoned out after 10 minutes of hearing them yak and get mad at me for losing interest in something that doesn’t pertain to me or even fall into the category of a real conversation!
You see a real conversation takes at least TWO people interacting and exchanging thoughts and ideas on the same subject and either agree or disagree with each other.
Me listening to you YAK is not spontaneous communication, it’s you YAKING and me getting really really REEEALLY bored!
Seriously people… really?
Take a Midol and chill the hell out!
I can see myself as the “Super Midol Man!”
Faster than a speeding insult;
More powerful than a verbal abuser;
Able to leap tall piles of bull crap in a single bound.
Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… Super Midol Man!
Sheesh!
From now on before I let anyone waste 10 minutes of my time I’m going to say “Wait a minute…” and then pull out my invisible clipboard and pretend to be flipping through invisible pages of lists, and then I’ll say;
“I’m sorry I don’t see that problem on my list of problems to care about today… let me check again though… let’s see… no… no… hmmm… nope not on my list, that’s not my problem, good luck with that one!”
“I do have some really important things to worry about that are on my list though, and the biggest one requires my full attention at all times ciphering cosmic flight!”
“Here’s how that works…”
“The earth orbits around the sun at 1,140 miles per minute, the solar system is moving around the center of the galaxy at 8,580 miles per minute, the galaxy in the Local Group Cluster is moving at 1,500 miles per minute and the motion of the Local Group in the Local Super Cluster is moving at 22,380 miles per minute.”
“Now that’s a grand total of me traveling through space at 336,000 miles per minute. In the 10 minutes of my time that was wasted listening to you YAK I traveled 3,696,000 miles so using the average rate of reimbursement of 35 cents per mile you now owe me $1,293,600… pay up or shut up!”
I’m just trying to survive don’t PMS on me!
~ Snarp
