Whodathunkit?
Instead of plummeting into your brain with yet another article full of wit and wisdom, I wanted to expand a little on my trip back to Ohio I told you about in my last article. You can refer to that article in the online version of the Voice or on the FoggyBlogg.
Anyways, when I finally got off to the side of the freeway and put out the fires, I then told you how it took me 14 hours to go 230 miles to find civilization with an AutoZone. What I didn’t tell you is why it took 14 hours to go 230 miles.
Well I had to get off the freeway, that’s all I knew, so I crawled along in 4WD LOW, because that is the only way I could get the ole boy to move, and drove about ten miles to the next exit. It’s raining hard now, cars and trucks are whizzing past me beeping at me for driving on the shoulder! That took about one hour… yeah one hour to go ten miles! I know it’s crazy… Whodathunkit?
When I get to the stop sign on the exit ramp there’s no lights… in any direction… no buildings, humans or animals… nothing! “Damn… now what?” Well I had little choice but to get back on the freeway and head for the next exit, which of course I find out was 30 miles away… yeah… it took 3 hours to go 30 miles… in sideways rain, cars and trucks whizzing by beeping at me like I was some kind of idiot!
“BEEP-BEEP-HONK-HONK!”
“Yeah… ok… thanks a lot buddy but the 30 cars ahead of you already let me know I’m an idiot NOW BUZZ OFF!” “Sheesh! I’m tired, wet, hungry, frustrated as hell and just trying to get to CIVILIZATION!”
Finally I get to the next exit, by this time it’s starting to get light out and when I get to the stop sign there was of course, no buildings, humans or animals, but at least there was a sign with two arrows pointing left and right to two towns, one was named “Sheffield” and the other was “Buda”, but with no indication how far away they were or how big a town they would be… I had to make a decision.
Well I knew that “Sheffield” in Ohio doesn’t have any stores at all and “Buda” would surely have been named after that friendly little fat guy who sits funny; certainly I would find some stores and some friendly little fat people there that would help me out, so I headed for “Buda”!
Now I’m on a two lane highway with hills and very little shoulder, cars and trucks are racing up behind me at 55mph, and I’m going at top speed 10mph downhill, and 3mph uphill, until of course I have to put one set of tires in the mud and snow on the shoulder so they can get past me, then I’m going almost 2mph! “Wahoo!”
After 20 minutes of that crap I finally see a sign that says “Buda 13 miles”! “What the hell?” At an average speed of 5 miles an hour it took me 3 more hours to get there and then I see the “Welcome to Buda” sign “Population 600”, guess what… it’s a friggen ghost town with just a friggen school, a friggen church and a friggen mechanics shop that of course was friggen closed because it was friggen Sunday! “AAAAHHHHH!”
I finally get some phone numbers off my GPS and make some calls and as it turned out “Sheffield” was only 6 miles from that stop sign and had stores, gas stations, and a MacDonalds!
Huh… whodathunkit?
~ Snarp
Driving Me Crazy!
As most of you know I’ve been traveling back and forth to Iowa helping ‘Austin’s On The Trail’ get up and running and it’s been an experience to say the least.
I’ve learned some interesting things on my visits to Iowa, like ‘How to ride the wave’ and accumulate mega ‘wave points’ for one. I also learned some new ‘whodathunkits’, and a major one is to limit myself on the ‘Snarp Water’!
(‘Whodathunkit’, which is short for ‘who-would-of-thunk-it, are life’s lessons we learn through bewilderment!)
Three ‘Snarp Water’s’ put me down… hard, but I was still in designer mode and I don’t think that should count. ‘Snarp Water’ is for sipping, not gulping and if anyone tries to give you ‘Snarp Water Shooters’ I guarantee they are out to hurt you… RUN AWAY!
‘Snarp Water Shooters’ will melt your shoes to the floor so you can’t walk and if you try you WILL fall down! Take my advice and don’t be fooled by the ‘namby-pamby’ sound of the ingredients of ‘Snarp Water’. Just because it’s made using cinnamon and peppermint doesn’t make it a wussy drink, it will hurt you!
However if you do find yourself doing ‘Snarp Water Shooters’ take off your shoes and don’t be surprised if you wake up on the floor… any floor, and if you mixed them with beer you’ll probably have a hangover but your flatulence will be minty fresh!
Nothing would have been better than a cool glass of ‘Snarp Water’ about half way back to Ohio last week though. Normally it takes about 12 to 14 hours to drive from Iowa to Ohio, this time it took about 51 hours!
If I had been driving the whole 51 hours that would be an average speed of 17 miles per hour, which would have been lightning speed for me about 3 hours into the trip!
Just this side of Des Moines Iowa it started to rain and my truck decides to have a hissy-fit! Keep in mind that this poor ole boy has over 309,000 miles on it and has given me just about as many ‘whodathunkits’ over the years I’ve owned it too!
All of a sudden it starts jerking and kicking and bucking and snorting like a big ole Brahma bull!
”CA-POP-CA-PAP-CA-PING-CA-CHUNK-WHIRRR-POW-POW!”, then again…
”CA-POP-POW-CA-PAP-POW-POW-CA-PING-POW-CA-CHUNK-WHIRRR-POW-POW-WHIRRR!”
The ole boy started jerking so bad that hot coffee jumped out of my cup onto my leg, sun glasses came flying at me from the dash, my head was nodding back and forth like a Jewish Dude at the praying wall on steroids which caused my cigar to hit the steering wheel immediately sending a shower of hot flaming sparks in my face, down my shirt, between my legs, and I can see flames shooting out of my tail pipe in the mirror!
“What the… OUCH- OOO-AHHHHHH!!”
I finally get off to the side of the freeway, put out the fires in my seat, my chest and saved the ‘boys’ with some bottled water! It then took me about 14 hours to go 230 miles to find civilization with an AutoZone that of course had to order my part, so I got a room, next day fixed my truck, and so 26 hours later headed home only to find that the bars were closed!
That’s just wrong!
~ Snarp
