Really Out There!
Well I’m trying something new with this article; I’m attempting to write this time with as many distractions as possible and under extreme pressure from Sage the slave driver editor to have it done in two hours!
I’m still in Silver City Iowa helping “Dude” and “Dude Dad” get ready to open their restaurant and lounge, “Austin’s On The Trail”, not “By The Trail” as I named it in the last article. On the trail, by the trail whatever, it really isn’t “ON” the trail, if it were there’d be bicycles running into it all the time and a lot of people getting hurt!
It is however “BY” the trail, a bicycle trail made from an old railroad line much like the ones we have in Ohio. But unlike Ohioans these people are serious about their bikes! Some of them spend thousands of dollars on a friggen bicycle that they ride on these trails going from one town to the other stopping at local bars and restaurants on their 60+ mile trek!
60 miles… are they nuts? I thought I was really accomplishing something when I rode my bike to the end of my road this summer! 60 miles seems a little excessive to me, and they also dress up in pretty little tights and wear those odd looking bicycle helmets that make you look like something out of the “Aliens” movie!
This could be an interesting way to write though. Travel around the country, stop in st
range little towns, find a small restaurant or bar and just go in and sit down, plop open the laptop and start writing about what I see and experience. Hmm… I’ll have to think about that a little more.
If you recall in my last article, where I described how I was forced into eating another species testicles in order to not appear rude, I’m happy to report that I have not been approached to partake in any other sex organ eating rituals, however I have been asked if I would try Carp and “gizzards”!
Carp? Uh no… they stink pretty bad when they’re alive don’t want that in my mouth thank you. Gizzards??? What the hell are those? It sounds too much like lizards and I don’t eat them. Well to my horror I found out that gizzards are part of another animals guts!
Okay… I’m going to have to draw a line… and it’s going to be in eating other species sexual organs or guts! I try to be polite whenever possible and to not be rude, and try new things, but there are some things that just don’t belong in Snarp’s mouth or digestive system and sex organs or guts are on the top of the list!
While we’re on the subject, there are also some things that do not belong in Snarp’s mind as well. “Juster the Jester” tricked me into watching a rather disturbing movie, “The Human Centipede”, under the guise that it was going to be funny! Uh… I thought I had seen just about all there was to see in life… until now!
DO NOT… I REPEAT… DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE FOOLED INTO WATCHING THIS MOVIE!
Anyways besides being tricked into watching this disturbing movie, this has been a rather interesting adventure so far, but you need not worry about me, unless that is that I return to Ohio wearing pretty little tights, wearing an “Aliens” helmet, eating testicles and guts while riding a high tech bipedal controlled vehicle!
~ Snarp
They’re Just Nutty!
It’s been an interesting couple of weeks since my last article. I’m sitting in a hunting cabin somewhere in Missouri, as I start to write this article, and I’ll finish it in a little town somewhere in Iowa!
No matter what Son of Snarp tells you, I did not get all gooned up and make a wrong turn one night ending up three states away from home… this time… I came out here to help some friends get an old building fixed up so they can open a restaurant and bar named “Austin’s By the Trail”, in a little town called Silver City, Iowa.
What started out as a five day getaway to help some friends has evolved into a full scale construction project, stretching the very fabric of my handyman skills to their limits! Since they do have an opening date some sacrifices have to be made, it appears that my sanity may be one of those sacrifices as I agreed to stay behind to help.
As I watched Sage and Son of Snarp2 drive away, I started to wonder, were they leaving me behind because of my skills to help with the project or just trying to get rid of me like dropping off a stray dog?
After all they DID experience fourteen hours being cooped up in a dinky little car with Snarp Farkle on the way out here and that in itself could have been very mentally taxing for their mere human brains!
Hmm… no Snarp OCD on the way home, no stopping every two hours so Snarp can smoke or pee! No stupid Snarp questions every ten minutes like “Are we there yet?”, or the ever popular “Snarp Snore!” Hmm…
Well my friends here have been taking me to a few different pubs in the area where I have been using my exceptional detective skills to scope out the locals, digging into their psyche to see what makes them tick!
My skills were put to the test last night when I was taken to a bistro in some remote ‘Area 51’ like place in Missouri! I mean the place doesn’t even show up on the GPS or Google Maps! Only a ditch! What the…?
Needless to say we got lost… in sideways rain trying to follow two old duck hunters in their truck going 85 mph down the pitch black rain soaked back roads! After successfully avoiding the car sized pot holes, and moose sized deer we finally arrived!
A local lady in the buffet line insisted on helping me figure out what was what, and to my horror grabbed a big ole tong full of ‘Rocky Mountain Oysters’ and proceeded to put them on my plate.! “Oh these are the best mountain oysters in the state!” she said, “here have some more!” “AHHHHH STOP” I wanted to say aloud, STOP IT WITH THE NUTS!”
Cow nuts… on my plate… umm… there are nuts… cow nuts… on my plate… and… and… they want me to eat them… nuts… cow nuts! I of course tried to eat my way around those nasty little critters, and sneak them into my pocket so I could go to the bathroom and dispose of them, but no-o-o, the lady kept staring at me and insisting that I had to eat them!
‘Dude’, the guy next to me didn’t want to eat them either and I noticed him coating them with a half an inch of barbeque sauce then swallowing them whole! So trying to be polite and not ruffle the feathers of the locals… I… I ate cow nuts… I… I ate them, BUT I didn’t chew them or let them touch my tongue so it doesn’t count!
~ Snarp
www.snarpfarkle.com
