I Shudder To Think!

“The nations of the world will have to unite, for the next war.  The nations of the earth must someday make a common front against attack by people from other planets”

General Douglas MacArthur
October 8, 1955

In 1955 when it was discovered that introverts have more saliva than extroverts, the term U.F.O. stood for “Unidentified Flying Object”, today it stands for “Unleaded Fuel Only!”

General MacArthur was thought to be a little eccentric, but for a man with his military background to make such a bold statement sent lightning bolts streaking through my deep, cavernous mind! 

Crashing into the walls of the caverns with such a force has set loose a chain reaction of thoughts that I cannot spare you from, my loyal readers, I am sorry, you have a right to know… we are not alone… aliens DO live among us!

I have PROOF!

Of all the creatures living on this planet I figured that someday one of them would slip up and reveal their true identity… alien!

It’s happened!  Women!  Women and cats have to be aliens!

Think about it, for centuries man has tried to figure out women… and cats.  They elude all attempts at trying to figure them out.

Fact #1 – It does not matter what you say to women, how you say it, when you say it, or in what manner you say it… they don’t hear you!  Perhaps it’s because they can’t hear human male speech!  ALIENS!  Cats too!

Fact #2 – Cats don’t understand a thing you say to them unless you are willing to act like a weirdo and talk baby talk to them. 
Alien control maneuver!  WOMEN TOO!

Fact #3 – A dog knows what you’re saying, all other human males know what you’re saying, but women on the other hand try to make us believe we’re stupid because they can’t understand us, then twist our words around so it will make sense to them! 
Alien mind altering maneuver!

Fact #4 – The Male human touch reveals the aliens identity.  What happens when you pet a cat the wrong way?  The claws come out and rip your eyes out!  Try to pet a woman and what happens?  The claws come out and rip your eyes out and you’ll get thrown out of the restaurant.
Alien identity protection maneuver!

Fact #5 – Women don’t have to initiate romance with a man, and they know they don’t have to, and they don’t care because they all have boobs.  They use those things to intimidate us by flashing them around and then not letting us near them.  Hmm… I’ll bet they’re really Alien egg sacks!  No other creature on earth protects boobs like a woman does!
Alien species protection maneuver!

Throughout human history mankind has had to endure many obstacles in order to insure its existence on this planet. Dinosaurs, which liked us because we were crunchy and taste good, no longer pose a threat to our existence. 

But we had better keep a close eye on women and cats; they could just be the aliens that General MacArthur warned us about back in 1955!

~Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com

In The Nick Of Time!

Two blondes walk into a bar… ”OUCH”!  Sorry I couldn’t resist!

One of the greatest mysteries that men cannot solve is why, when they get drunk, someone creeps into their bedroom in the middle of the night, vomits on their clothes and pees in the closet!

I’m gonna set a trap for that creep!

Another great mystery is time… time has always fascinated me.  For instance, what occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but not once in a hundred years?  No not sex after marriage… the letter “m”!

Okay let’s get serious… well… almost.

What got me started on this whole time thing was getting my hands on all the episodes of “Star Trek Enterprise”.  The third season was all about time travel and all the nasty things that could happen if it were possible.

Yes I’m a “Closet Trekky”, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in my right mind.  You’ll know when I’m not in my right mind, because my left mind gets pretty crowded and I’ll write about stupid stuff… uh… well you’ll just have to deal with it!

Time travel could be very useful.  For instance there never seems to be enough time when a woman is putting on makeup, yet plenty of it when you say something to her about it.  Push a button and “whoosh” she’s done!

Or take a trip back to your wedding day and this time take up your best mans offer to GET YOU THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

You could also take a trip to when you were in the third grade and slip some “Wild Turkey” into your mean ole teachers’ coffee, then hide stuff from her and watch her have a nervous breakdown, and then just maybe, maybe she’d get some FRIGGEN HELP!  Psycho!

Hey while you were still in that time you could also dress up like an alien, sneak into “Big Bully Billy’s” bedroom at night and threaten to vaporize his gonads if he doesn’t stop beating up little kids and stealing their lunch money, then watch him scream like a little girl!  Priceless!

Yeah this could be cool!  You could go back to several points in your past and leave yourself little notes to avoid all the stupid mistakes you’ve made, or to buy Microsoft and McDonald’s stocks when they first offered them!

You could go back and flatten your tires so you couldn’t get that DUI, super glue the dude’s lips closed that stole your girlfriend, drug yourself then give yourself “hickies” so you’d think you had scored the night before, better yet drug her give her “hickies” so she’d think you had scored the night before!

Of course these things could have an adverse effect on your future, like what would happen if you accidently went back in time to when you were conceived?  You could be scared for life after seeing your parents naked!  Having SEX?  “AHHHHH!”

And what if they were frightened when they saw you trembling with fear, whimpering like a mad man, clawing at your eyes in the corner of their bedroom, and didn’t finish the job? 

You wouldn’t exist, of course after an experience like that you wouldn’t want to!

~Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com