May Day… May Day!

May is an odd month; at least this one has been so far.  May brings us May Day, Cinco De Mayo, Armed Forces Day, Mothers Day, and Memorial Day.

Of these five days of observance, or reasons to party, May Day has captured my attention the most this year.

I mean “may day… may day… may day…” is used as an emergency code word internationally as a distress signal to alert others that a person is in grave and imminent danger and requires immediate assistance.

Ever wonder why?

Well scientifically May Day marks the end of the winter half of the year in the Northern hemisphere.  However it may be best known for its tradition of naked ladies dancing around a pole… WHOO-HOO!

But May Day was also celebrated by some early settlers of America. It was an odd tradition of placing small baskets filled with flowers or treats on someone’s doorstep, ringing the bell and then running away!

The person receiving the basket would try to catch the fleeing giver. If they caught the person, they’d have to kiss them.

Hmmm… this could be interesting!  I can see myself leaving baskets at quite a few hot ladies’ doorsteps, ringing the door bell, and instead of running away, just stand there… eyes closed… lips puckered… waiting for that kiss, and if I’m lucky maybe a little tongue!

That would be just swell! 

Hmmm… wait a minute… what if the hot lady wasn’t home at the time?  I could be standing there all puckered up for hours!  Better bring some “chap stick”!

One thing for sure if I see little baskets scattered all around the yard I’d better just move on to the next name on the list.  Chances are that this hottie has a guard dog trained to answer the door!

I could be tongued by Marma Duke for crying out loud!  “UCKKY POO!”

Or worse yet she could sic her gay brother on me!  Ewew!

Or even worseorer… she could hire Harriet the smelly, homeless lady with leaking puss sacks all over her lips to answer the door!

“AHHH! AHHH! THAT’S NOT SALIVA! AHHH! GET IT OFF ME! AHHH!

Whoo-boy… that just gave me the willies!  OMG I think I’m gonna be sick!  Why… why do I corrupt the caverns with such stuff?

Well, with that nasty thought in mind, I guess I’d want my eyes open and I’d probably want to carry a two-way radio to call a guy waiting in a get-a-way car WITH some antiseptic wipes… just in case!

“MAY DAY… MAY DAY… MAY DAY… GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!”

So my theory is that this international distress call of grave and imminent danger requiring immediate assistance, actually originated by some poor misguided settler who left baskets on the wrong doorsteps!

Can you see now why this tradition never made it into the twenty first century?
I’d just ruin it for the rest of you!

~Snarp
www.SnarpFarkle.com

Pigeon Poop Wisdom!

“Wise men talk because they have something to say; foolish men talk because they have to say something” – Plato

Wisdom… The problem with wisdom is, we all want it, we all need it, but we don’t it get until just AFTER we need it. 

So I thought I’d share some “Snarp Wisdom” with you to help you be somewhat prepared in the event that you are under the “Wretched Wisdom Attack”, and don’t know what to say.

What is the “Wretched Wisdom Attack”?

Ever have someone say to you, “A word for the wise…”, and then proceed to fill you in on what will happen to you if you DON’T take their advice?

It’s never just one word… is it?  And I doubt very strongly that they consider you “wise” in the first place, because if they did, well then they would have nothing to say… would they?

Oh no, it’s usually several words, and if their eyes are squinting and they’re pointing a sharp object in your direction… MOM, then you know it’s just time to let them vent; doing anything else just prolongs the “Wretched Wisdom Attack”!

Under no circumstances cover your eyes with your hands and run out of the room screaming like a little girl.  Chances are you will run into the doorway and knock yourself out! 

When you wake up, or they catch up with you, you will find the sharp object closer to your face and the “word for the wise” suddenly becomes the “word for the fool who thought he could get away with it”!

Lying is probably what got you into this mess to begin with.  It’s easier to tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything!

It has been said that: – “Wisdom is accepting that some days you’re the pooping pigeon and some days you’re the pooped covered statue.”  So if you find yourself under attack by someone equipped with “Wretched Wisdom”, guess what… you’re the pooped covered statue, and they are the pooping pigeon, stay still and let them poop!

This doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun while being smothered with pigeon poop wisdom.  If you are clever enough you just might be able to induce “pooping pigeon constipation” on them!

Try saying; “What was the last thing you said just before the first time you said it?”  Then before they can recover say “Look, I’ve learned my lesson, I know that a spoon doesn’t know the taste of soup, and the early worm gets eaten.”

Keep going… keep going… “I also know not to fry bacon in the nude, that crowded elevators smell different to midgets, and to never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

At this point you have just stuck the proverbial cork in the pigeons butt and you can safely turn and walk away knowing that your attacker has just gained some of your “Pigeon Poop Wisdom”…

“Never argue with a wiser fool. You might not know which one you are!”

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key!

~Snarp
www.foggyblogg.com