Adverse Advice Advisory!
Things could always be worse and most likely are, somewhere in the universe, for someone other than me. So for inspiration I look for stories that tell of doom and gloom in somebody else’s world, and that usually makes mine look much brighter.
In the past when faced with stressful indignation I would keep telling myself that things could always be worse and ”BAM”, it happens! So this time I decided to keep telling myself that things could always be better, and ”BAM”, it hasn’t happened… yet!
So I looked on the net for some doom and gloom to cheer me up and ”BAM”, there’s enough for everyone! For instance the story of a surgical nurse that was called out of surgery so her manager could tell her she was being laid off! What an assbag!
Okay that was a little gloomy but not nearly enough to get me out of my slump. Then I found a story of a Finch Arboretum that was being overrun by ground squirrels, so the park rangers brought in a special machine…
“The Rodenator Pro 9000XL7”!
What the…?
Yeah this thing is cool; it pumps propane and oxygen into the tunnels of squirrels, and then sends an electric spark that causes an explosion. The shock wave collapses their tunnels and kills the squirrels, but in a humane way, they say.
Uhh… I don’t know about you but getting gassed, blowed up, and probably set on fire, then buried alive doesn’t sound too humane to me! Okay that was pretty doomy but there has to be more… let’s keep digging.
Oh yeah here’s one, listen to this; some guy in Russia had complained of extreme pain in his chest and had been coughing up blood, his doctors suspected cancer. When they finally decided to do exploratory surgery his doctors were staggered to find a 2 inch high spruce tree growing inside the man’s lung!
Huh… I wonder what they did with the tree. He should plant it and then charge admission for people to see it… yeah then it would become a money tree! Brilliant!
Well that was more just plain weird not so doomy or gloomy, what else is there? Hmm here’s something… as a final wish, Fredrick J. Baur, the man who designed the Pringles packing system, who died last May, will finally be laid to rest. He will be buried in a Pringles can as he requested.
What the…?
Good luck stuffing him in there!
Then there’s this story of a 21-year-old German tourist who wanted to visit his girlfriend in Sydney Australia, but landed 8,000 miles away near Sidney, Montana! It appears that he mistyped his destination when booking his flight online. HAH what a dope!
What else is there… ooo this one brings a smile to my face! A Japanese company has developed a solar-powered sport bra that not only lifts and separates, but also charges an iPod or cell phone while jogging. Brilliant!
Not at all doom or gloom, unless of course other than young slim and trim hotties wear them! Yes… uh-huh, yes that could be bad.
Okay I feel much better now! I didn’t get fired while in surgery… didn’t get gassed, blowed up, set on fire and buried alive… no trees growing in my lungs… won’t be buried in a potato chip can… no plans on traveling 8,000 miles in the wrong direction and will not sport a Solar Powered Bra… hmm… I’m good, how about you?
~ Snarp
Going… Going… Lost!
Have you ever been so preoccupied or so hopelessly distracted that you failed inadvertently to retain something in such a manner that it is no longer in your possession and cannot be immediately recovered by you thus leaving you desperately bewildered as to which direction to begin searching or why you feel so ignorant as to where it may have been placed to begin with?
In other words have you ever lost anything?
Okay maybe that’s a stupid question but I’ve been accused of losing a lot of things in my life. Like keys, directions, time, thoughts, bargains, games, women, races, children, hair, hearing, eyesight, watches, balance, virginity, bets, opportunity, arguments, rhythm, fingertips, rings, condoms, money, sleep and even my place in line!
Some may argue that I must be a professional loser for losing all this stuff. Well even though that would be a perfect job for me, I do not get paid to lose things. However you may be able to persuade me to lose some things for you! For the right price that is and keep in mind that I’m not cheap!
Of all the things I’ve ever lost over the years, I have never, ever, ever, lost either of these two things… my life or my job!
No really!
Yet some lady in the drug store the other day argued with me that because I got laid off from work last week that I did indeed lose my job.
“NO… I did NOT lose my job!” I finally blurted out. “My idiot boss may have lost it but I know exactly where it is, I’m just not allowed to have it right now!”
“What e-v-e-r” she snorted walking away with her arm raised showing me the back of her hand!
I stood there dumbfounded for a second… I felt tingly all over… I… I believe that’s the first time that I can recall… yes I do believe that’s the very first time I can recall ever winning an argument with a woman!
Oh what elation… what sheer bliss… such an exhilarating ecstasy I’ve never experienced before! Purely euphoric, yes guys it’s purely euphoric!
Go ahead guys… envy me! I would if it happened to you! Go ahead do it…
AHHH… thanks!
That’s almost better than sex! Well it would have to be wouldn’t it; after all if you won an argument with your woman you probably aren’t going to be having sex with her for a while!
I am in the same boat as many of you are right now, but I have to warn you that I don’t like boats too much because I get sea sick so watch your shoes!
Okay so your idiot boss lost your job too! Just because it is not your fault does not mean it is not your problem! You can’t just go kick his ass though because you’ll go to jail and have to pay huge fines plus three bad mojo’s! But if you have the extra cash lying around… go get him tiger! Oh yeah take pictures… video preferred!
Hey you could sell tickets to help pay the fines, I’ll buy two! Oh wait… my idiot boss also lost my last two paychecks!
Kick his ass instead!
~ Snarp
