Don’t PMS On Me!
VOICE 2-18
Ever find yourself in a place you really don’t want to be yet because of necessity you must venture into? No ladies I’m not talking about the PMS week, when in one of your blinding menstrual headaches, you accidently walked into a men’s room to get a tampon out of a tampon machine and ended up with a Super Jumbo Ribbed Neon Green Sour Apple Flavored Condom!
I’m sure that would be a rather embarrassing moment, if not for you then perhaps for the poor terrorized sap standing at the urinal, and upon hearing the familiar shrieks of menstrual cussing, pees on his shoes!
It is not the condom machines fault and no matter how many head butted dents you put in it, it’s not going to give you a tampon, so get over it and get the hell out of there! Yeah… all that!
You ladies don’t know what it’s like for us guys to walk into a room with a PMSer on the loose! It’s during that PMS week that we don’t need finger nail clippers because we chew them off in shear horror that we may say something wrong like: “You look beautiful today honey”!
Or if we accidently raise an eyebrow when you accuse us of eating at McDonalds so we wouldn’t have room for the garlic stuffed corn cobs with green onion and ricotta cheese cream sauce dinner that you spent hours preparing for us!
Honest ladies we just don’t like garlic stuffed corn cobs with or without green onion and ricotta cheese cream sauce! That’s just yucky!
Really we’re starving; we raised the eyebrow because we just spent 30 minutes in a store… on the phone… with you, promising to bring you a case of tampons, three large bottles of Midol, not the small bottles…
“for god’s sake not the small bottles”!
If we get the small bottles we may lose a finger before we can frantically get all the lids open and poor them down your gullet for one lousy hour of blissful peace and quiet!
And while we’re on the subject, we don’t appreciate it when you bite the heads off of the roses we bring you during PMS week; they really are for you and not “Flusie Susie” down the street.
Yes we did say she doesn’t even like roses, but it’s not because we are having sex with her, it’s because we over heard the terrorizing menstrual shrieks coming out of HER house when her boyfriend brought her roses instead of daisies… this month!
He should have known roses gave her hives last month… who was he thinking about… Sinning Cindy up the street? Yada-yada-yada-uncaring-bli-bla-bli-bla-how could you yackity-yac-boo-hoo-hoo! Sheesh!
Wouldn’t it be great guys if there was a machine that we could put a couple of bucks into for a small canister of “Triple-Dose-Anti-PMSer-Opiate-Spray”!
That way during our week of horror all we would have to do is give three quick sprays in the direction of any attacking PMSer, thwarting the attack, and then just sit and watch them drool for an hour! Hey it would end their pain and what fun!
So for all the Valentines that have come and gone in my life, do you now see how much I loved you? Heh-heh! Don’t PMS on me!
~ Snarp
Why Do You Ask?
Before I get started, I promised someone that I would clarify my references in the last couple of issues relating to the “Jesus Obama Road Show”.
“Why” you ask?
I can see where some of you would think that I was slamming your newly elected president, but if you had paid attention you would see that I was really slamming the “Jesus Obama Fanatics”!
If you missed that point then I suggest you reread them. Ok so maybe there was one reference to the new president being a moron by Probabilius the Psychotic Psychic.
“Why” you ask?
Because if you think about it, anyone who wants a thankless job that will make the whole world, your wife and children hate you and take twenty years off your life in less than four, has to be a moron!
Well… at least we know that the job CAN be done by a moron, as is evident in the last eight year puppet show we’ve had to endure.
Maybe President Obama isn’t a moron. Maybe he really does want to make a difference. Maybe he really will make a difference, but I guarantee you that the Jesus Obama Fanatics will begin to hate him before his third year ends.
“Why” you ask?
Well that will be about the time they figure out that he really can’t turn bottled water into Mad Dog (wine)… bummer.
He really can’t raise the dead… economy… bummer, and he really can’t fulfill even a few if any of his campaign promises… yet another bummer.
“Why” you ask?
Stop asking me that question; I want to get off this subject for crying out loud! Heh, heh Okay here’s how I see it.
Point number one: He can’t turn water into wine because… well because he really isn’t Jesus! You heard me right, he is NOT Jesus nor is he likely to become Jesus in his first three years in office.
That’ll piss off the Jesus Obama Fanatics for sure! Their hopes for a Jesus Obama Tee Shirt and a Jesus Obama Coffee Mug full of Jesus Obama Mad Dog Nog in every home for Obamass 2011… err, um I mean Christmas 2011, will be shattered!
Point number two: He can’t raise the dead… economy by his third year in office because the Jesus Obama Fanatics will have avoided paying billions in taxes by having their Jesus Obama Coffee Mugs, Tee Shirts and gallons of Mad Dog Nog manufactured in some other country feeding THEIR economy while continuing to drain ours!
Bastards!
Point number three: He can’t fulfill even a few if any of his campaign promises because… duh, none of them ever have been able to!
By the time those creepy fanatics get to this point they will have realized that plans for delivery of the boat load of Jesus Obama Look Alike Marshmallow Peeps will now be a complete waste of time, and all hopes to exploit Obeaster 20012 will be in vain! Umm… oh… I mean Easter 2012!
~ Snarp
Be sure to visit SnarpFarkle.com
