Tis The Season!
Merry Holiday Happy Ho-Ho’s to you and that’s as far as I go with the mushy stuff for this holiday season, so enjoy it!
During the next couple of weeks you will most likely be exposed to all sorts of holiday traditions. Most of these are very time consuming and it’s your job to find a way to do it all. There are some things you can do to use your time wisely.
Since you know it’s coming ahead of time, “Mushy Head Season” will suck a lot of time from your busy schedule; so you need to prepare to deal with it properly!
Mushy Heads come out of the woodwork this time of year. They always seem to sneak up on you during the holidays and pull some hideous act of kindness on you leaving you defenseless, and vulnerable to whatever else they may have in store for you.
Some of them are really greedy with your time, like the gabby type Mushy Head that brings you a plateful of your favorite cookies for instance.
Once under this type of Mushy Head spell you’re obligated to sit and try to decipher several minutes of Mushy Head gobblety-goop until they finally get to the punch line, “I just thought I’d stop by and do this for you”!
It’s a Mushy Head ploy, you see, because they know that you will not be able to refuse to listen to them for at least 10 minutes at a time! You, not wanting to be rude, are waiting for the punch line… and they know you are!
If they can get away with the first ten minutes then they quickly shoot for another ten, and then another, and then another until they’ve used up all the other mushy head’s time slots! That’s just greedy!
One thing you can do is to eat all of the cookies as fast as you can so the connection is lost and they have no reason to believe that you are still obligated to listen to them any longer.
Just do the “Cookie Monster” thing flinging cookie crumbs in all directions. This will cause the Mushy Head to pause long enough for you to make your escape, but you only have a few seconds so use your time wisely!
Hopefully for you the cookies at least taste good but for god’s sake do not under any circumstances say “MMM-M those are good cookies”, even if they are!
This will bring about at least another ten minutes of how their great-great-grandmother’s-second cousin’s-sister’s-great aunt Mable passed that recipe down from the 1800’s, bla-bli-bla-bli-bla-bla-bla.
See how that works? Mushy Heads are not bad people mind you. On the contrary they are usually very gentle and thoughtful human beings. That being said you can’t be mean or rude to one or they’ll start bawling which just adds to the time they need from you to get to the punch line, “I just thought I’d stop by and do this for you”.
Whatever type of Mushy Head you run into this season you are much better off trying to figure out how to get them to the punch line as quickly as possible without making them cry, or else risk becoming mushy yourself and end up riding around in the back seat of their minivan delivering cookies!
If you find yourself doing that, look me up, I’m running a little low, just make it quick!
~ Snarp
Sicko’s… Everywhere!
I know what you’re thinking… it’s been three weeks since the last issue and brain matter is starting to ooze from your eyes nose and ears after three weeks of continuous assault from the n-n-n-normal people messing about in your world.
There are a lot of sickos on the loose right now that’s for sure. We’ve got the new recruits getting ready for the big “Jesus Obama Road Show” which is kicking off its first season on the 20th, they call it an inauguration, and I call it regurgitation!
Think I’m kidding? Just go ahead and Google the words “inauguration 2009”. You’ll get 6,555,000 results! That’s six million five hundred and fifty five thousand overhyped articles and videos trying to sell everything from tee shirts, coffee mugs, calendars, rugs, and even a Jesus Obama Spiderman Comic book!
AHHHHHHHH! Not the comic books too!
Sickos!
After this article reaches cyber space however, there will be six million five hundred fifty five thousand… and one! So there will be at least one article out there that will help you “sanitize your sanity” so you can counterattack the onslaught of crap that the sicko n-n-n-normal people throw at you!
Glad I can contribute!
Not only do we have to fight off the cranial infractions of the Jesus Obama sickos, but also the media sickos as well. If you continue to shovel piles of crap on top of each other guess what you have?
That’s right a bigger pile of crap!
The media is constantly shoveling the dread and doom of the economy down our throats, and what good can possibly come from that?
A big pile of crap that we can stick our heads in to hide from the fear that they are creating for us! Sickos!
Uhhh thanks but no thanks, I like to think for myself and I don’t need any more crap in my life than what I create for myself.
Sure things are tuff. They’ve been tuff before haven’t they? The media sickos continue to tell us the economy is as bad as it was in the 40’s, but what followed the tuff times in the 40’s?
Yeah… some of the most prosperous times that this country has ever experienced, and PARTIES! Lots and lots of parties with food and beer everywhere! Whoohoo!
So get your head out of the sickos pile of fear crap and focus on shoveling up piles of HOPE and pile them real high.
Don’t fret if your piles of hope fall over because that just spreads hope all over the place and may help the sicko n-n-n-normal people get some exercise jumping over the little piles of hope to get to their piles of crap!
So consider the act of making piles of hope a public service! Set up your lawn chairs and wait for a sicko to approach with their shovel full of crap, then kick over your pile of hope and watch them dance! YeeHaw!
By the way… that’s probably not brain matter oozing from your various cranial orifices but real snot! Yeah there are other types of sickos out there too. Yucky!
~ Snarp
Be sure to visit SnarpFarkle.com
