Umm… What Day Is It?
My fight against Egobuttiteous Infestation is still ongoing but I am gaining ground. I’ve been told that there is a problem with the pronunciation of Egobuttiteous. It’s (ee-go-but-tie-tus), and refers to a “Cranial Cavity Gray Matter Infestation” from direct contact with “Over-Inflated-Asinine-Starving Ego-Feeble Minded-Thick Skulled-Neanderthal Butt Heads.” Egobutts, for short, are everywhere so beware not to let them get too close and for god’s sake don’t feed them!
The easiest way to defend yourself against attack is to look them straight in the eyes, cross your index fingers in front of you, like in the vampire movies, and repeat out loud three times:
“Egobuttiteous!”
“Egobuttiteous!”
“Egobuttiteous!”
This stuns them long enough for you to get away or to pop them in the forehead with a rubber band, water bottle, spit ball, or crumpled up paper cup! No matter how much you want to, DO NOT use rocks, tree limbs, hammers, or bricks as these will get you into a lot of trouble with the Egobutt Police! Yeah Egobutts have rights too!
Anyways, fighting Egobuttiteous can be very tiring and cause lethargic like symptoms when performing normal day to day tasks, like shopping for instance. At least that’s the way it seemed these last couple of weeks, or maybe there’s other gray matter infestations yet to be identified… let’s get the pick-axe, enter the Caverns and explore this further.
“TINK-TINK-TINK-TINK” AHA!
There appears to be at least two infestations not yet covered in my articles. Actually I did touch on these somewhat but never really categorized them for your protection.
The first one is:
- “Holadaitrius” (haul-uh-day-tree-us)
We will call these infested people “Holdacians”. (haul-day-she-uns)
These Holdacians have an uncontrollable desire to infest us with their hideous holiday decorations way before the holiday in question is even close. You’ll find that most of these poor infected souls work in your malls, department, drug, and grocery stores. You’ll know where they live because their houses are completely surrounded by Holdacian Yard Crap!
These people are generally harmless but very crafty in their ability to infect the rest of us. In case some of you hadn’t noticed, by the end of August Halloween items started to be displayed in the stores. Then in September I noticed Halloween and Thanksgiving items on display.
Now in October I see Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas items everywhere! “What the…” To top it all off there’s even election items displayed right along with all the other crap!
This leads us to the second newly discovered gray matter infestation, this one is called:
- “Electotarium Disease” (elek-tow-tare-e-um)
Refer to these creeps as “Electacians”
(ee-lek-tay-shuns). The only good thing about Electacians is that they only crawl out from under their rocks every two to four years, sort of like cicadas, but more like snakes! These creepy little ignoramuses have the ability to convince you that their politician of choice is not a liar or a cheat… huh.
Once in your brain they will even convince you that the media is not bias and that you can trust everything you hear or see in the news. Oooo I shiver at the thought that some of you will fall prey to one of these diseases! I’ve got more work to do!
~ Snarp
Snarp Alert… Level 4!
ATTENTION… ATTENTION…
THIS IS NOT A DRILL…
THIS IS A LEVEL 4 SNARP ALERT!
Ladies and Gentlemen it is very likely that there is a new strain of Egobuttiteous on the loose in your neighborhood at this very moment! He could be in your stores, workplace or even in your home posing as a real human being but make no mistake about it, he is an Egobutt, and he is out to invade your space… to eat your brain!
Most Egobutts are easy to spot under normal circumstances and we avoid them daily without many problems. The evil little imps infect us through their feces which they leave behind in our brains after the initial attack has been implemented.
Symptoms of attempted infestation are normally easy to detect, and our fight or flight defense mechanisms kick in and we are able ward them off or run away to avoid total infestation. This new strain, however, has found away to get past our defenses, block our ability to run away, thus leaving us vulnerable to attack!
You’ll know that you are under this new hybrid Egobutt attack when you suddenly feel unable to deal with certain people that before the attack was no problem for you. These are people you normally associate with Egobutt infestation and can avoid without any repercussions.
This new strain of Egobuttiteous however has given them new attack strategies, supplying them with new infestation abilities that they implement immediately and attack without mercy.
I only became aware of this new strain of Egobuttiteous while trying to protect the entrance of the “caverns” as I normally do with a tennis racket. Whenever one of these creeps would try to throw a bit of feces at me, I’d just lob it right back at them aiming for their foreheads which usually would knock them on their asses and they would run away in fear.
But this latest attack came unexpectedly.
“What the…“
At first I thought I was being attacked by a group of feeble minded Neanderthals, but to my surprise, there was only one feeble minded Neanderthal attacker, shooting his little poop balls at me out of a Potato Gun!
I grabbed another tennis racket but even with both arms flinging so wildly it would appear that I had dragon fly wings, the pelting was so intense that it allowed the attacking Egobutt to successfully cause a cave in to the entrance of the “Deep Cavernous Mind of Snarp Farkle”!
I gasped at the damage as my attacker walked away snickering, blowing the smoke out of the barrel of his potato gun.
“A newcomer to the caverns eh!”, I said as I started to clear the debris. “Well now, whoever let him out of his little rubber room is in big trouble!”
I issued this SNARP ALERT as I work on my strategies for a counter attack so you’ll be aware that there is a “Feeble Minded Neanderthal Butt Head” with an “Over-Inflated-Asinine-Starving Ego” on the loose!
Egobutt for short!
There should be a law that limits the amount of ignorance one is allowed to expel in a single lifetime!
~ Snarp
Be sure to visit SnarpFarkle.com
